


Home is Where the (heart) Avengers Are

by TheElevatorsNotWorthy



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Deadpool - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: BAMF, BAMF Avengers, BAMF Peter Parker, BAMF everyone, Bullying, Established Relationship, Field Trip, Fluff and Angst, Harry Osborn is a good bro, Iron-Dad, M/M, Petty Arguments, Spider-son, Stark Tower, They are all so cute, What Have I Done, avengers fam, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-05-07 19:20:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14677752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheElevatorsNotWorthy/pseuds/TheElevatorsNotWorthy
Summary: Peter's class goes on a field trip to Stark Tower.Featuring ovens on fire, arrows sticking out of butts, a whipped Wade Wilson, an angry Tony Stark, Thor in a dress, and a family that really shouldn't work, but it does (because how could it not?)."Now, home life is usually mundane. For a child especially. The child would enter the house, parents in the kitchen preparing dinner, perhaps a sibling arriving home from school as well. The child would drop his bag down, and the child would find comfort in the familiarity of the situation, the domesticity of it all.Unless you were Peter Stark and home was the Avengers Tower and your Dads were superheroes and your 'siblings' were all children in adult bodies."





	1. The intro

The bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Peter rose from his seat and raced to the door, along with the rest of his class. It was a Thursday, so, although it wasn’t the end of the week, there was only one day after until the weekend. The buzz could be felt among all students.

 

“Before you go, class, I would like to remind you to hand in your permission slips for tomorrow’s field trip!” Mr Harrington called out to the class.

 

Excited chatter resumed as the students exited the classroom, but Peter visibly slumped.

 

Sure, it would be nice to go on a field trip. But to his own home? He froze and groaned. _Shit_.

 

His Dad was never going to let an opportunity like that pass. Then again, there was the slight chance that he wouldn’t know… But Natasha would. And she would tell him. She would tell everyone.

 

“What’s up, Parker?” Flash mocked as he brushed passed Peter, causing him to stumble. “Just realised that when we go to the Avengers Tower everyone will realise that stupid internship you’re always going on about is fake? C’mon, Parker, it’s been years. Give it up already!”

 

Flash continued to smirk as he walked out of the classroom door.

 

“Is there a problem, Peter?” His teacher asked as he also passed. Peter looked around, realising he was the only one left in the classroom.

 

“No sir, everything’s great!” _Not_ , he thought.

***

Now, home life is usually mundane. For a child especially. The child would enter the house, parents in the kitchen preparing dinner, perhaps a sibling arriving home from school as well. The child would drop his bag down, and the child would find comfort in the familiarity of the situation, the _domesticity_ of it all.

 

Unless you were Peter Stark and home was the Avengers Tower and your Dads were superheroes and your siblings were all children in adult bodies.

 

And the preparation of dinner entailed a food fight.

 

 Peter didn’t announce his presence, just stood in the doorway as Taco ingredients were thrown across the kitchen. He folded his arms, just taking in the situation.

                                                                                                       

Bruce was the first to notice Peter in the doorway. He shuffled a bit, wiping mince from his cheek. “Hey, kid.”

 

“Peter’s home!” Clint cried, jumping onto the counter. Nat whacked his shins, causing the archer to fall off said counter and land on a plate.

 

Said plate smashed.

 

Peter narrowed his eyes, surveying all of the culprits, then turned to Tony. “Why did you start throwing food?”

  
Tony squawked. “Well, exc _use you,_ I did _not_ start this.”

 

“Uh huh,” Peter said, nodding sceptically. “Who provoked you?”

 

Tony caved, then pointed at Bucky. “He smashed by face into the tomatoes.”

 

Bucky grumbled, but didn’t object.

 

“And then I came in!” Clint said, standing up, powdered china from the plate still on his suit.

 

“And then I got _avocado_ to the _face,”_ Natasha hissed.

 

“Heh,” Clint said. “Peter’s boyfriend has got an avocado face!”

 

Bruce rolled his eyes. “You should be nicer to Wade. He’s not _that-”_

 

“Yeah! Everyone should be nice to me! Big, mean and green said so!” Another voice called, coming from behind Peter.

 

“Sir, it appears Mister Wilson has entered the building.” Jarvis’ slightly mechanical voice came over the speakers.

 

“I take back everything I just said,” Bruce backtracked.

 

“Why do I have a feeling you had something to do with overriding the ‘Deadpool-is-Bad-and-is-Banned-from-the-Tower’ Protocol?” Tony said, turning to Peter, a look of annoyance on his face.

 

“Because I did have something to do with it. Duh.” Peter replied.

 

“You are such a teenager,” Steve said.

 

Wade, in the time that had elapsed since his arrival, had migrated to the centre of the kitchen.

 

He coughed. “Ok, so, a) you were going to eat tacos and you _didn’t invite me,_ and b) you had a food fight and _didn’t invite me!_ No one invites me to anything.” Wade paused. “Well,” he considered, “I’m here now, so…”

 

Wade threw a bowl of diced tomatoes at Clint, and he retaliated by chucking a handful of cheese at the mercenary, but Wade ducked and it ended up hitting Peter. And that just cause a full-fledged food fight… version 2.

 

When all of the food had been destroyed, and everyone was covered in vegetables, meat, cheese and salsa, Wade waved his hands at the group.

 

“Shoo. I’m gonna be really nice, and make us all some of Deadpool’s special Tacos!”

 

“And we can’t stay because…?” Clint trailed off.

 

“ _Because,”_ Deadpool sighed as if it were obvious, “Then you’d know my secret ingredient!”

 

“You have a secret ingredient? TELL ME!” Natasha screamed as Steve rolled his eyes and said, “You’re offering to make dinner?”

 

Wade ignored Cap. Peter turned to Natasha, “The secret ingredient is simple really, it’s only-”

“BABY-BOY!” Wade screamed, clamping a gloved hand over Peter’s mouth. “No telling my secrets!” He turned to the rest of the Avengers, “Now shoo!”

 

“Your manners astound me,” Tony said, exiting the kitchen.

 

***

A shriek sounded from the kitchen. A very Deadpool-like shriek. Peter sighed, and head into the kitchen.

 

“Wade, what did you do this time?”

 

“I maaaaaaay have set the oven on fire. Again.”

 

 “Wade…” Peter sighed, “It’s an oven! It’s designed to be heated up! How on Earth did you manage to set it on fire? For the third time!”

 

“Ah, but that’s where you’re going wrong Spidey-Boy. It’s not how on Earth, it’s how in the Multiverse!”

 

“What the actual hell, Wade.”

 

 “I swear I didn’t mean it this time! I only meant it the first time when Iron Dude was being mean.”

 

 “Wade.”

 

 Wade sighed in defeat, “I forgot to take the semi-flammable object out of the oven before I turned it on.”

 

 Peter rolled his eyes, “And you didn’t see it when you put the tacos in the oven?”

 

“It was hiding. It was being so inconspicuous. It knows Petey.”

 

“Do I even want to ask?”

 

“IT KNOWS!”

 

 “What have I told you about storing flammable objects in the oven?” Peter reiterated.

 

“To only do it when there aren’t tacos at stake.”

 

 “Exactly. How is it that Tacos are always somehow ruined in this household?”

 

“Well, Petey, when you go into a field to pick flowers, which ones do you pick?”

 

“The… best ones?”

 

“Ding ding ding!”

 

“You’re unbelievable”

 

“Butcha love meh!”

 

Peter glared at Wade. Then at the oven.

 

“Wot.”

 

“Wade!” Peter laughed, “Dad’s going to kill you!”

 

“Meh.” Wade dismissed, “I can hide in the vents with Clint.”

 

“I swear, you’re in the vents more than Clint is in the vents.”

 

 Bucky ran into the kitchen. “WHAZZBURNING WHERREE WHATTFIRREEEEEE?”

 

He paused, looking at the ruined oven. “Oh.”

 

Deadpool just waved his arms around the room, as if to say ‘What did you expect.’

 

Bucky glared at Wade. “I’m hungry and you just ruined dinner.”

 

Wade squawked as Bucky lunged for Wade, the fire still raging in the oven.

 

Bucky lifted Wade up over his head and threw him at the oven.

 

Wade groaned as he rolled off the now-hole-in-the-counter.

 

Bruce walked into the room, Starkpad in hand. “Hey, Jarv, can you get us some Shwarma from that joint we like?”

 

“But Tacos,” Bucky moaned.

 

Peter snorted.

 

Wade groaned.

 

“Has anyone seen my quiver? I think I left it by the toasterrrrrr….” Clint trailed off, jaw hanging slightly open at the rapidly decreasing fire, and the Deadpool that was smothering it. And the hole in the counter.

 

“Oh my god, this is worse than the time Steve tried to play Mario Kart and he broke the TV.”

 

“That TV was a dud… eerrr… What happened to the oven?” Cap said, as he too entered the kitchen.

 

 “Wade forgot to take out the flammable objects he had stashed in there before turning the oven on,” Peter told his other uncle.

 

“It was only _semi-_ flammable!” Wade complained.

 

“What was it?”

 

“Err…Diesel Fuel?”

 

“Why did you think to store a _highly-_ flammable liquid in the _oven?”_

 

“It’s inconspicuous…It knows.”

 

 Bruce turned to Peter, “Should I ask?”

 

“No.”

 

“Tony’s gonna kill you, you know that, right?” Cap said as Wade picked himself off the floor.

 

Wade waved his hand dismissively. “Nah, he’s working in the lab. I have at least 2 hours before he-”

 

“WADE WINSTON WILSON!!!”

 

Wade shrieked and hid behind Peter. Not that that did anything; Wade was clearly visible behind the smaller man’s lean frame. Tony stormed into the kitchen.

 

“What the fuck happened to the oven?!!!”

 

Tony took out a Taser from his pocket (that seemed to come out twice a day) and launched himself towards Wade.

 

“YOU’RE BANNED, WILSON!”

***

Dinner passed like every other dinner with the Avengers (apart from it being Shawarma for dinner, not Tacos, and Wade in his apartment, not at the table). Bucky only broke one fork, Steve only had to stop Tony from strangling Clint once, and Natasha didn’t curse in Russian once. (She cursed twice but that’s unimportant). Until everyone had finished eating. Peter had been tense throughout the course of the meal, and had finally started to relax, when Natasha (of course it was Natasha) announced, “So, Little Spider, I hear you have a field trip tomorrow. Anywhere exciting?”

 

Tony raised an eyebrow, “Shouldn’t there have been some sort of permission slip to sign?”

Peter waved his hand in a decidedly nonchalant manner, “Yeah, but I just forged your signature.”

 

While Tony spluttered indignantly and muttered things such as “Multi-billionaire…Trust Issues…Forgeries, ha...”, Cap asked “Where?”

 

Peter looked down. “Oh, nowhere interesting, just this boring building,” He mumbled.

 

Natasha smirked.

 

“What?” Clint urged, seeing Natasha’s Expression. “Nat’s keeping secrets!” He whined.

 

“Well,” She explained, “It looks like our Little Spider’s coming to Avengers Tower for his field trip tomorrow.”

 

Tony paused his murmurings and sharply looked towards Peter. His mouth grew into a smirk

 

Peter knew all too well. Tomorrow was going to be… interesting. He knocked his head against the table in defeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This food fight and flaming oven idea was heavily influenced by “This is Why I Don't Bring Friends Over” by cissathebookworm. Please check them out it is an amazing fic and I would highly recommend reading it!


	2. The Trick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter goes to the tower... Clint gets tricked... Wade gets shoved out the window... the usual!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go! I hope you enjoy!

 

The next day, although the Tower was only a few blocks away from Midtown Tech, Peter’s class took the bus. Peter supposed this was for the best; with his luck, they’d get mugged halfway there. Excited chatter filled the bus.

 

“Hey, Penis!” Flash called from the back of the bus. Peter ignored him from where he sat next to Ned. “We’ve been taking bets on whether or not your internship is real. There’s only, like, 2 people who believe you.” Flash pointed at Ned. “3 if you count your fat boyfriend, but he’s not taking bets.”

 

MJ called across the bus from where she was seated at the front, “Shut up, Eugene! You wish you could be Peter’s boyfriend.” There were giggles from a few of Peter’s classmates. Flash fumed.

 

Ned chatted excitedly into Peter’s ear the rest of the way there, undeterred by Flash’s comments. Peter mentally face-palmed. Why was this happening? All too soon, Peter found himself in the very familiar lobby of the Avengers Tower.

 

“Hello,” Mr Harrington said, approaching the reception. “I have a labs tour? For my Biochemistry class. Should be under Midtown Tech? 10 o’clock?”

 

The receptionist- Christine, if Peter remembered correctly- scanned the computer in front of her. “Ah, yes,” She replied after clicking her mouse a few times (Probably clicking away from the Tetris game she was playing. It was oddly popular among the staff). “Your tour guide will be here shortly. In the meantime, I hope you don’t mind, but we must run a compulsory security check.”

 

“What would that entail exactly?” Mr Harrington asked.

 

“Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. Just checking for weapons or cameras. Phones are fine, as long as they remain turned off.”

 

Mr Harrington agreed, and moved his class over to the decidedly airport-looking security scanners. Not that seeing these was anything new to Peter, he just rarely had to enter the tower through the main lobby. He usually entered… well, through the window, scaring the crap out of Hawkeye if he was ever unfortunate to be in the same room. Which was kind of ironic, Peter thought, seeing as he spent half his life scaring people by jumping out of the vents behind them. Peter smiled smugly as Flash was forced to hand over his camera to one of the security guards. As each student passed through security, Jarvis would call, “Visitor, Clearance Pass: Omega”. Peter balked just as he was about to pass through security.

 

“Move it!” Someone called behind him.

 

Peter sighed and walked through the Security gate.

 

“Peter Stark, Clearance Level: Alpha.”

 

“Hey, Jarvis!” Peter called towards the ceiling.

 

“Good morning, Peter. I will say, it is unusual to see you pass through this entrance. Is there a problem?”

 

“No problem,” Peter informed the AI, “I’m just on a Field Trip with my class.”

 

“In that case, have fun. I have been told to inform you upon your arrival that Mr Barnes has managed to beat your high score.”

 

“What? Gramps? He didn’t know how to take a photo on an iPhone yesterday, and now he can beat my high score?” Peter gasped.

 

“It seems that Mr Barnes would like me to tell you:” A voice recording of Bucky played over the speakers: “HA! IN YOUR FACE PETER!”

 

Peter laughed, “It’s those insane reflexes, Jarv. if he was normal he wouldn’t stand a chance against me.”

 

“To be fair, Peter, you have-”

 

“Up-ba-ba-ba!” Peter stumbled, looking around his class. “JARV!”

 

“Apologies, Peter.”

 

Peter laughed, “All’s good Jarvis.”

 

Peter closed his eyes as he walked towards Ned. He could feel many pairs of eyes burning into his back in shock, and Peter slumped. Oh well, he thought, not really any point in hiding it anymore.

 

A woman in a navy suit stalked towards them, her heels clicking on the tiled floor, her posture impeccable, and the clipboard she held so tightly to her chest somehow failed to crease her uniform.

 

“Good morning,” she said, addressing the class. “You must be Mr Harrington’s class. My name is Jen, and I will be your tour guide for the-” Jen’s usually strict demeanour fractured when she saw Peter attempting to hide behind Ned. Apparently, she didn’t get the message that he was trying to be inconspicuous, because she addressed Peter, “Hey kid! I didn’t know you were coming in today! Would you like me to inform the others of your arrival?”

She started tapping on her clipboard, which, like all Stark tech, electronic, and probably able to communicate to Asgard or something.

 

“No!” Peter all but shouted. “I mean, I’m sure Tony and Cap are doing something really important.”

 

Peter looked to the ground, hoping Jen wouldn’t call his bluff. But of course, she did. Jen snorted. “Do you honestly think that the Avengers would be doing something productive?”

She looked to the ceiling. “Hey, Jarvis, what are Mr Stark and Captain America doing at this moment?”

Jarvis’ voice played over the loudspeaker, “It would seem that Mr Rogers is currently discussing the best condiment with Mr Barton, and Mr Stark is whacking Wade out the window with a broomstick.”

 

Peter balked. “What?”

 

There was a scream from one of the higher levels, and out of the corner of his eye, Peter saw a red streak fall from the sky.

 

Peter (along with the Jen, Mr Harrison and Peter’s class) whirled around to see a very real smudge of red on the sidewalk outside the tower. A very Deadpool-looking smudge. A broomstick clattered to the pavement outside after Wade, and shattered upon contact.

 

“DAD!?” Peter fumed to the ceiling. He knew Jarvis would play an audio recording to Tony, so it didn’t bother him that Tony was in the penthouse and Peter was in the lobby. What _did_ bother him was that Tony had pushed Wade out of the penthouse window!

 

“Sorry, kid, but you know I banned him after that oven incident,” Tony’s voice came over the loudspeaker.

 

“But you didn’t need to chuck him out the window!”

 

“Would anything else have worked?”

 

Peter ignored Tony’s loudspeaker voice as he saw Wade begin to peel himself off the sidewalk. God, he healed fast.

 

Mr Harrison cleared his throat. He looked pale. Peter shuffled awkwardly.

 

“Well,” Mr Harrison began. “Shall we begin the tour?”

 

Jen nodded her head, and Peter was dragged to the front of the class by a very over-excited Ned. Flash stayed unusually quiet.

 

The next five minutes passed in peace. They toured a few labs (boring) with no interruptions, Jen waffling on about some award Mr Stark had one that Peter was sure Tony didn’t know he had won. Peter was honestly surprised. He had expected at least Clint to-

 

“AAAAA!”

 

Peter jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was lucky that this was a regular occurrence, otherwise he would have surely been on the ceiling or something, exposing his secret identity to everyone.

 

He didn’t need to turn to know who was behind him.

 

“Hi, Clint!”

 

“Hey, kiddo!”

 

“How’s it going?” Peter asked innocently.

 

“boooorrriiiinnngg,” Clint replied. “I came to give you this.” Clint held out a cookie to Peter.

 

Peter eyed it suspiciously.

 

“Relax, kid,” Clint said. “Bucky’s started baking again-”

 

“That doesn’t sound good.”

 

“-and wanted you to try one.”

 

Peter thought back to the last cookie Peter had tried that Bucky had made: Spinach and carrot. In a cookie. No thanks.

 

“I think I’m good, Clint.”

 

“Trust me, Pete, they’re good.”

 

“No thanks!”

 

“For the love of-” Clint grabbed Peter and forcefully shoved the cookie into Peter’s mouth. It actually tasted…good!

 

“Bucky made this?”

 

“I know right! They’re delicious!”

 

Peter grabbed for Clint’s pockets where he knew the archer would have stolen some to save for later. He ignored Clint’s stutters of protest as he eyed a cookie. And snorted.

 

“Ha! Bucky didn’t make these!”  


“Yes, he did! I saw him making them!”

 

“Nah, Clint these are shop-bought!” Peter paused. “Did you see Bucky take them out of the oven?”

 

“Well, no,” Clint replied.

 

Peter sighed. “Try looking in the kitchen bin, Clint.”

 

Peter left Clint to squawk in disbelief as he ran to catch up with Jen, who had left the class behind as they gaped at what, for Peter, was a daily occurrence.


	3. The protection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> featuring more broken windows, wade in the vents, and protective avengers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so you may have noticed that I have increased the number of chapters from three to the number ?. I have decided to add more shenanigans! I have had a few ideas, but I have yet to write them so I will take a while to upload the following chapters. Enjoy!

They toured more labs, and Peter was starting to relax again when his Stark phone buzzed. Peter looked down quickly to see a message from Tony.

 **Tony:** Have you seen Wilson?

Peter sighed and began to type a reply

 **Peter** : not since you threw him out the window

 **Tony:** Still bitter, huh?

Peter ignored the last text and turned his attention back to Jen. Jarvis' voice spoke over the speakers.

“Wade Wilson has entered the second floor via a window.”

There was a cry from the floor above. “I THOUGHT I LOCKED ALL THE WINDOWS!” Tony could be heard shouting

“YEAH, WELL WADE WOULD HAVE BROKEN THE WINDOW!” Peter shouted back at Tony.

“HE’S PAYING! WINDOWS THAT SPAN AN ENTIRE SIDE OF A TOWER ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE”

“YOU’RE A BILLIONAIRE!” Peter rebutted.

There was silence from above.

“BESIDES, YOU BROKE ONE OF THE WINDOWS WHEN YOU THREW WADE OUT OF THE WINDOW!” Peter continued.

“BU- I- THAT- YOU- ARRRGG!!”

An elevator behind Peter dinged. He whirled to see Tony striding out.

Peter gulped.

“It doesn’t matter that _I_ broke a window, what matters is Wade is now inside the vents-”

“I’LL SAVE YOU, BABY-BOY!” A voice cried from the ceiling. Deadpool popped his head out through a grate in the ventilation system, and it clattered to the floor.

“Ooh! Hi, Peter’s class and tall scary lady!” Wade addressed the class and Jen. “I’m Deadpool, and I’m Peter’s boyfriend and I kill people for a living so _back off.”_ Peter blinked at Wade’s sudden change in tone. Deadpool shrieked and ducked his head back into the vents as Tony threw a test-tube at him

“Wilson, get out of the vents, or so help me, I will send Clint up into the vents with you. Wade gulped as he obviously remembered last time…

_Last week:_

_“AHHHHHHH!!!!” Wade screamed from somewhere in the vents._

_“Get OUT OF THE CEILING!” Tony shouted over the commotion in the vents._

_“What’s going on?” Peter asked as he walked into the main living room, where Natasha and Bucky were sitting on the couch, Tony was shouting at the ceiling, and it sounded like an elephant was rampaging in the vents._

_“Your boyfriend’s in the vents again,” Natasha answered._

_“And so is Clint,” Bucky supplied._

_“I was SLEEPING!” Clint’s voice rang from the ceiling._

_“And you are so_ cute _when you’re sleeping!” Wade answered._

 _“That’s_ it!”

_Clint drew his bow, and fired at Wade. Wade screamed. Again._

_“Birdy! I thought we were friends!”_

_“We are,”_

_“You just fired an arrow at my butt,” Wade whined_

_“I think it’s an improvement,” Clint replied._

_There was creaking from within the vents, and suddenly Clint and Deadpool came tumbling through the ceiling, Clint landing in a cool superhero crouch, Wade landing with his butt in the air, displaying an arrow that was protruding out of it. Attached was a note reading:_

_‘FUCK YOU DEADPOOL (somehow I knew this would come in handy)!”_

_Present:_

Tony glared as Wade dropped from the vents

“How the hell do you keep getting into my building?”

Wade shrugged, “It’s a gift. Besides,” he added, “I once broke in here with only a hamster and a bunch of pegs!”

“Pegs?” Peter asked questioningly.

“Yeah, you know! Pegs! The things you use to hang up clothes! And build forts! And break into high-security tower-”

Tony looked murderous. “Wilson…”

“Fiiiiiinnnnneeee. Bye Baby-Boy!” Wade said as he skipped out of the room.

Tony slumped and followed Wade, flipping his sunglasses back onto his face, saying something into his com that sounded a lot like, “NO, WILSON DON’T YOU DARE!”. Peter’s grin dimmed when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

***

Natasha, Bucky, Bruce and Clint all sat in the penthouse of the Tower, slumping on the couches, dejected looks on their faces. Bucky had completed his mission and had returned that morning.

“I wanna go down,” Clint whined to Natasha.

“You’ve already been down.”

“I wanna go again. With you guys. It will be so much fun!”

“Well, why don’t we,” Bucky decided. “It’s not like-“

“Absolutely not,” Pepper interrupted as she walked into the room. “Peter’s on a field trip. We should let him have fun. That means _no_ _interference_.”

“Aw, _you’re_ no fun,” Clint complained.

“Ms Potts,” Jarvis addressed, “It seems that Peter is being verbally harassed by another student.”

All five adults turned to look at each other.

“You mean Peter’s getting _bullied?”_ Natasha asked, “How long has that been going on for?”

“it seems to have continued for the better part of four years.”

The five adults looked at each other, before scrambling towards the elevator.

***

Peter tried to ignore Flash. Really. He did.

“What the shit, Parker!” Flash called, “How much money did you have to pay to get _Tony_ _freaking Stark_ to talk to you?”

“Shut up, Flash,” Peter muttered.

“Who names their kid Flash?”

Flash jumped a foot into the air, only then realising that Clint stood behind him, having jumped down from the vents. Peter, with his enhanced hearing, had heard the vents spring open.

“Wha- You’re _Hawkeye!”_

“Yep, that’s my name kid,” He mocked. “Don’t overuse it,” he added in a very sombre tone.

Peter internally caved. Well, at least Tasha and Bucky weren-

“Hey, Peter, is this kid bothering you?” Tasha asked from where she leaned against the doorframe, cleaning her nails with her knives.

“No, really, Nat, it’s fine,” Peter sighed above Flash’s splutters of:  That’s THE BLACK WIDOW! WHAT THE HE-“

“Stay _away_ from Mini-Stark,” Bucky threatened menacingly, and Peter snorted at this new-found nickname. OK, so at least Thor-

“PETER, SON OF PARKER. I HATH RETURNED TO MIDGARD TO SHOW YOU THE DANCE OF MY PEOPLE!”

Peter sighed. He really needed to stop jinxing himself… wait, what? Peter turned to Thor to see the God of Thunder in what appeared to be a robe, but Peter could have sworn to be a-“Thor, why are you wearing a dress?”

“I PUT HIM UP TO IT!” A voice called from somewhere in the ceiling

 “Hey, Wade.”

“Lightning Dude showed me a video of him teaching Capsicle to dance!” Wade called, “It was amazing! Almost as good as the PSA’s!”

“What on Earth are you blabbering about?” Natasha glared at the grate in the vents where Wade’s head could be seen. Upside down, but still.

Wade gasped, “You haven’t seen Cap’s PSA’s? I declare it movie night tonight!”

“HA! YES!” Peter called. He could finally repay Cap back for the time he hid Peter’s suit in the oven. And Wade cooked. And set fire to the oven. And his suit.

“I MISSED YOU SO MUCH BABY-BOY!” Wade called from the vents. “I know!” Deadpool decided, “I’ll sing you a song!” Deadpool cleared his throat and proceeded to sing (Well it was more like belting at the top of his lungs).

“Dude, I totally miss you/I totally miss you/ Dude, I totally miss you all the time… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AAAAAAAAAAAH/ AHHHHHHHHHHHH, AAAAAAAAAH/ AAH YA-HE-HAAA!!!!”

Deadpool crawled out of the hole in the vents that Clint had, but his boot caught on a loose screw, and he fell from the ceiling, bringing half the ventilation system with him. Peter lost himself in a fit of giggles. Wade groaned from the floor, sat up, and waved a _very_ broken hand at Peter.

“Do you think Tony will-“

“WADE!”

There was a collective silence, from Peter, his classmates and the Avengers.

“Well, if you excuse me,” Deadpool announced, before sprinting around lab equipment in an attempt to reach the window. Iron Man’s face appeared on the outside of the glass, and Wade gave a short shriek and stumbled backwards, breaking a various assortment of test tubes with who-knows-what in them, before turning to run in the opposite direction.

“BABY-BOY SAVE ME!” he screamed as he threw himself across the room and into Peter, breaking even more equipment, so much so that Tony would certainly _not_ let Wade back into the Tower, in, like _ever._ Even with his increased strength, Peter still fell to the floor when his boyfriend ran into him, landing with an “oomph” as the air was knocked out of him.

“Really, Petey,” Wade cooed as he rose, once again, from the floor, “I thought you would catch me.”

“Shouldn’t you be running away from Dad?” Peter asked as he tried to regain his breath.

“Oh yeah!” Wade remembered as Tony tried to open the window latch with his metal-enclosed fingers in the suit. After many failed attempts, Tony gave up and fired at the wall.

“Oh, come on! You just created more damage than I did!” Wade complained as Tony flew through the hole he had created in the wall. Deadpool screamed and ran out of the door.

“You’ll never catch me!” He called over his shoulder, before he suddenly stopped. Tony paused his chasing in confusion.

“Oh, and Flashy-boy?” Wade addressed Flash, “If I ever hear wind of you harassing my Petey, I will kill you. Then I will find a way to revive you, and kill you again. No hard feelings. Scrap that. Hard feelings. _Very_ hard feelings. Having said that, SEXY MUTHAFUCKA OUT!”

Wade, after assessing all possible escape routes, and the one that would piss Tony off the most, leapt through one of the lab walls, leaving a decidedly Deadpool-shaped hole in the plaster.

Tony, in his Iron Man suit, turned to Peter.

“Well, that was interesting.”

“I thought you were angry…” Peter replied.

“Eh, hearing Deadpool scream so many times took my anger away. I mean seriously, what is with that?”

Clint and Peter burst into laughter, and Bucky and Natasha smirked.

And Peter’s class… they didn’t exactly know how to react.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, updates may be slower because I have a whole lot of races coming up. I mean, I had Athletics Carnival today, then Zone Cross Country Tuesday, then Zone Athletics Friday, and then the regionals for both of those (if I get through) are a few weeks after, so I am devoting quite a bit of time to running training, so I hope you understand!


	4. The Comeback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Wade have an idea for revenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little info: The godphone is something I just made up. It allows Peter and Wade to contact the Asgardian gods.

 

After Peter’s class left SI, Peter and Wade strolled down the street towards the Mexican restaurant; this was a regular occurrence.

“Now, I’m not saying that what they did wasn’t fair,” Deadpool began, “But I still think we should pay them back.”

This had been a sudden outburst, so Peter looked at his boyfriend with his eyebrows knotted.

“What?” Peter asked.

“The Avengers! We need to pay them back for ruining your field trip!”

Peter stopped. And he thought. He turned to Wade.

“Prank War!” they said at the same time.

They continued to walk to the Mexican restaurant, but Wade suddenly held out a hand to stop Peter from walking.

“Ya know,” he began. “If we’re are going to do this, we’re going to have to do this properly.”

“True,” Peter agreed.

“So,” Wade continued, “really, we should get some help.”

Peter smiled and lifted his finger to his chin in mock contemplation, “Hmmm, who do we know who is sneaky-”

“-mischievous-”

“- has no remorse-”

“- and is always looking for a way to tease others?”

Wade and Peter smirked. Simultaneously, they changed directions and ran back to Avengers Tower.

 

***

Tony sat in his lab, turning in circles in his swivel chair, his head knocked back, giving a decidedly bored air to him.

“Jarv, what’s Spangles up to?”

“Mr Rogers is currently training with Ms Romanov, sir.”

“What about Katniss?”

“Mr Barton is sleeping in the vents.”

“The kid?”

“I cannot tell you, sir.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tony sat upright and paused his swivelling. “You can’t tell me because he is not here, or because he told you not to?”

“The latter, sir.”

“Jarv, bring up the surveillance footage of where Peter is.”

Jarvis brought up the footage. Tony snickered. Peter always forgot to block the footage.

Peter and Wade seemed to be huddled over a small device. It flashed and disappeared. Peter and Wade smirked at each other. Tony could have sworn that the thing was-

“Oh my god, it was a Godphone.”

And that could only mean one thing. Tony scrambled out of his chair.

“Hey, Jarv,” Tony addressed the ceiling. “Could you call Clint down for a sec?”

So, Peter and Wade thought they could be sneaky? Oh, it was so on.

 

***

Peter giggled.

“All is going according to plan,” Wade said, turning to Peter.

“Oh my gods, that sounds so shady,” a voice said behind them. “I like it.”

Peter, having heard the man before they spoke due to his enhanced hearing smirked when Wade jumped and tripped over the various bags they had gathered.

“LOKI!” Peter cried gleefully. He ran towards the god and enveloped him in a hug.

“Hello, Spiderling.”

Wade picked himself up off the floor.

“Oh, hello, Loki. Yes, I’m here, too,” Wade said amiably.

Loki smirked at Wade.

“Hello ‘Pool,” he replied. He turned to both of them. “Now, who are we going to Prank first?”

***

“Hey, Wade-”

“SHHHHHH!”

“Bu-”

“SHH! no talking while sneaking!”

Peter sighed and followed Wade as he commando-rolled past a doorway and hummed the theme to mission: impossible.

“Ya know, if you keep humming there’s no point in sneaking,” Peter contradicted.

“SHHH!”

Peter groaned and walked normally behind Wade as he continued to do that weird sneak crouch while humming rather loudly.

There was a buzz in Peter’s ear; he pressed his finger to the comm.

Loki’s voice came through. “I’m in position,” The god said.

“Us too,” Peter replied once they were standing outside the garage door.

“Ok,” Loki began. “Let’s begin.”

Peter and Wade entered the garage, lugging their bags behind them. They looked around.

And paused.

At all of the cars.

Wade whistled.

“God, why does Tony have so many cars?” Wade whined.

“Which car do we-?”

“ALL OF THEM!!!” Wade yelled, cutting Peter off and skipping towards the nearest car, a bright red lotus, and opened his bag.

***

Loki leaned against the doorway, where all of the Avengers were assembled. Loki snorted. Ha. ‘Avengers, assemble’. He was so punny! Loki shivered. Maybe not.

Rogers was leaning over the back of the couch, behind Stark he was flicking through channels on the TV. He was talking absent-mindedly to Clint, who was to his left. They all looked rather… suspicious. Stark sat up and began walking towards the door. NOPE! Loki wasn’t having any of that!

Loki walked towards the kitchen to where his brother was making some sort of smoothie.

He did that weird no-teeth smile he sometimes did when he saw Loki.

“Brother! You hath returned!”

The three near the couch turned to the two. Stark narrowed his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” he asked harshly. Ouch. The feels. They hurt.

Loki brushed him off.

“Oh, nothing, just thought I’d take a break from trying to ‘take over the world and all that.”

Barton reached for his bow. Loki snorted.

“Oh, relax!” he exclaimed. “You all have to live a little!” he turned back to Thor who was eyeing him, and chucked his head back and drinking the smoothie.

“Why are you really here?”

Loki smirked. “Well, I was passing by, and, I just, thought of you all.” He looked at his watch. Perfect.

Thor grinned good naturedly and pulled Loki into a one-armed hug.

“Urg,” Loki groaned. “Abort! Abort!”

Barton snorted, and Rogers stifled a laugh behind his hand. Stark simply sighed.

When Stark began moving towards the door again, Loki didn’t bother stopping him.

 

***

 

“Move over!”

“You move over!”

“Get your elbow-”

“Move your butt-”

“Move your knee!”

“Oh,” Wade snorted. “That’s not my knee.”

“WADE!” Peter cried.

“Joking! It is!”

Wade giggled when Peter smacked him across the head. They were huddled in a vent looking over the garage, both their heads together as they looked through the small gaps in the grate.

“Now, hush or they’ll hear us,” Peter warned.

They didn’t sit there for that long, Peter thought, although Wade had already declared he was bored three times, and had rearranged himself so he sat in a somewhat duck-like position.

“If you say you are bored one more time-” Peter began as Wade opened his mouth, but it was then that the glass door of the garage opened. Peter and Wade dove to look back through the grate, to see Cap and Tony entering the garage. They both froze. Peter watched as Steve’s eyes narrowed as he took in the sight before him and let out a low whistle.

Tony was making weird choking noises.

“My- my- mY CARS!” he cried.

It had taken a few hours, but Peter and Wade had successfully covered all of Tony’s MANY cars in sticky notes. And cellophane. All twenty-seven of them. Seriously, who had that many cars?

Tony fell to his knees before his orange Saleen S7.

“Shh,” he whispered. “It will be alright. I’ll get this off you.” he looked to the ceiling.

“PETER AND WADE, I’LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!”

“OHHHHH, you in TROUBLE!” A voice behind Peter and Wade sing-songed. Peter and Wade jumped and they saw Clint huddled with them looking over the grate. Clint held out his hand to Peter.

“Let the games begin.”

Wade gulped.

Peter shook it, grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while! I'm sorry! I hope you enjoyed!


	5. The video- Prank no. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring science class, a trashed hallway and burnt biscuits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¡HOLA MIS PEQUEÑOS POLLOS! I am so sorry! It has been so long! But I'm back! (and I wrote this chapter instead of the science assignment that's due tomorrow pls help me) anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and I hope it doesn't seem too rushed! The response to this fic has been amazing! I really appreciate all of your comment and kudos! Thank you! Anyway, enough of that, and on with the story!

“Class, if you could open your books to page 307, we will be doing a prac today.”

Mr Harrington stood at the front of the class and was setting up an array of glass beakers with different steaming chemicals, that looked decidedly dangerous to Peter. Peter was doodling pictures of Deadpool (he would deny it later) when his phone buzzed. It wasn’t just his though, because most people in the class were reaching into their bags to pull out their phones. Hr Harrington paused his preparation to pull his phone out from his back pocket. Peter looked at his phone.

Oh shit.

It was a video.

“Oh my god, this is hilarious,” MJ said behind Peter.

Peter whipped his head around.

Welp.

It seemed everyone got the video.

Peter tried to keep a straight face as his insides cringed down to the middle of the Earth.

His pressed play.

Peter cocked his head. It seemed to be a compilation… of Spiderman? The music was an upbeat song. Peter strained his memory… he smiled. Blitzkrieg Bop, by Ramones. Peter turned his attention back to the video.

Peter choked.

Kill

me

now.

the video played all of Spiderman’s worst ‘fails’.

There was the time he dropped the bag of money he had taken back from some thieves into the dumpster and ha to get it back… The time he fell off the rooftop when Wade had snuck up behind him, and the time he had miscalculated the amount of webbing he had left and had fallen into the tree, and the time, no, _six_ times he had overshot and crashed into a building. How did-

There was a crash from outside the classroom, in the hallway, that was loud enough to be heard over the cackles of Peter’s classmates.

“Sweet muthafucka!” More swearing came from outside. “Hey you,” The voice said, “If anyone asks, it was the janitor who knocked down the trophy cabinet!”

Oh shit. Peter knew who that was.

Deadpool, in his full suit, bearing his katanas, came crashing through the classroom door. Literally. The door came off the hinges, and there were cracks in the plaster where they were attached.

Mr Harrington gawked at the intruder.

“Oh hey, Mr teacher-dude!” Wade sing-songed. “I remember you!”

Mr Harrington continued to stare.

Wade sighed and he rested one of his katanas on his shoulder.

“I’ll be needing to borrow Pete-boy for a bit, k?”

Wade began to walk towards Peter through the aisle. Mr Harrington only gawked, and the class was silent as Wade grabbed Peter’s wrist.

Peter pulled away.

“I can’t go now! I gotta get… homework…”

Wade snorted.

“Petey, that didn’t work on Iron-dude, and it ain’t gonna work on me.”

Peter huffed.

“Please?” Wade pleaded, cocking his head to the side as he finally sheathed his katanas and made a love heart with his hands.

“FIIIIIIIIIINNNNEEE!” Peter gave in, and he put all of his books into his bag.

“Lezzgo,” He said with a smirk.

“Hamilton, seriously?” Wade said behind a grin.

“YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT!” Peter shouted as they exited the classroom (conveniently ignoring Mr Harrington’s squawks of protest).

Peter balked at the sight of the hallway.

“Wade.”

“Yes, Petey?”

“How the hell did you manage to destroy the hallway by _walking through it?!”_

The hallway was, for want of a better word, mutilated. The trophy cabinet was tipped over, the glass case smashed, pieces of glass over the floor. The various banners that usually hung from the ceiling in tatters. The walls covered in slashes.

“I didn’t do it, Petey, the _Janitor_ did!” Wade tapped his nose.

Peter glared at him.

“Ok, maybe I didn’t walk.”  
“Peter continued to glare.

“I skipped.”

“What, while swinging your katanas?”

“Yes?”

“What am I going to do with you?” Peter smiled fondly.

“I have some ideas,” Wade winked.

Peter elbowed him.

The laughed to the end of the hallway.

“So, how are we gonna get Iron-Dude back for that video-prank?” Wade asked.

“Give him a piece of his own medicine,” Peter replied.

“Let’s go find Loki.”

 

***

 

Tony and Clint sat in Tony’s swivel chairs in the kitchen, cackling their heads off, as Cap pressed replay on the video.

“Oh mY gOd!” Clint exclaimed breathlessly. “Tony, where did you get this?”

“I have my ways.”

Clint paused his laughing to grip Tony by the shoulders. Steve began laughing loudly

“Tell me!” he pleaded, shaking Tony back and forth.

Tony smirked. “Ok, so you know I have that Baby Monitor Protocol?”

Clint nodded.

“Well, with my very advanced technology, I can do a sort of third person view, to, you know, scope out the area, see the signs of danger.”

Clint smirked.

“And see all of Peter’s fails, if I so decide to,” Tony added smugly.

“Sir,” Jarvis' voice interrupted. “Agent Barned has sent you an audio message. Would you like me to play it?”

“Go ahead Jarv,” Tony waved dismissively.

He was not prepared for the message.

“TONY, LET ME INTO THE KITCHEN, MY BISCUITS ARE BURNING!”

Now that they were all silent and the video had stopped playing Clint and Steve could hear loud banging on the door.

“TONY LET ME IN, HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL IT?”

Tony sniffed. He didn’t- oops.

Steve ran to the oven and pulled it open as Tony went to open the door they had locked as they had sent out the video. Clint did literally nothing to help. He just laughed.

“My door!” Tony whined as Bucky stormed into the kitchen.

Tony fumed in after him.

“Did you really have to bash it hard enough to leave gaping dents in the metal?!”

“My biscuits!”

“Fuck your biscuits!”

Clint cackled. “That sounds so wrong,” he wheezed.

“Oh, get your head out of the gutter!” Tony said rounding on Clint. “My door is ruined!”

“Well, so are my biscuits!” Bucky rebutted, as Steve pulled the tray out of the oven to reveal extremely burnt ovals.

Clint moved to pick one up.

“Oh my god, don’t _eat_ one! It’s so burnt it will give you CANCER!” Tony cried.

“And who’s fault is that?!” Bucky argued.

“I wasn’t going to _eat_ it!” Clint defended. “I don’t have a death wish! I just wanna see if Bucky _actually_ made them this time, or if he bought them.”

“I hate you all,” Bucky said seriously as he stalked out of the kitchen

  

 

 


	6. The finding of the Loki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring Wade and Peter's questionable powers of persuasion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dios mío, it's been a long time! Sorry about that, but I went on holidays for a few weeks and had to 'socialise' with family. I have 9 cousins and 13 second-cousins and 5 aunts and uncles and looooaaads of 3rd cousins, ON ONE SIDE OF MY FAMILY, so I didn't have any time to write. I got back yesterday and whipped this up because who knows why. To be honest, i don't really like this chapter and doesn't have much plot to it, but meh, I hope you enjoy! Comments and always welcome (They give me life)

 

“Come on, Thor, PLLLLLEEEEAASSSSSEEEE!”

“No.”

“For me?”

Thor gave Deadpool a look that said ‘if-you-don’t-leave-right-now-I-will-summon-a-storm-and-so-help-me-I-will-make-sure-that-you-never-see-the-light-of-day-again’.

Wade continued to give Thor puppy-dog eyes through his mask.

“I hate you, ‘Pool.”

“I know you mean love!”

Thor began to walk out of the living room.

Wade followed him.

“Oh, come ON!” Wade pleaded. “I have no idea where Loki is! This is a great idea! It will work!

“This is the worst idea I have ever heard.”

“Please?” Peter begged from the ceiling of the new room.

“No,” Thor turned around to face Deadpool. “What happened to that Godphone I gave you?”

“Wade dropped it down the toilet,” Peter replied.

“You-” Thor sighed. “Never mind. The answer is still no.”

“Pleeeaase?” Peter begged as he jumped down from the ceiling, and landed in a superhero crouch.

“You know,” Wade directed at Peter, “Those superhero ladings are really bad for your knees.”

“I know!” Peter exclaimed excitedly. “That’s why I had Tony reinforce the knees of my suit with vibranium!”

“Ok,” Wade deadpanned. “That’s a little extra.”

“ _You,_ calling _me_ extra,” Peter noted sceptically.

Thor sighed and walked out of the room.

“Wai-” Peter and Deadpool’s shouts were cut off as the door shut behind him.

 

 

Thor opened the fridge to get an Asgardian beer.

Deadpool’s head was in the fridge.

“Pleas-”

Thor shut the fridge.

 

 

Thor walked into his bedroom, to get some peace and quiet, after a day of being followed by Peter and Wade. Even with all of his evasion tactics, they had still managed to follow them. If Thor wasn’t seriously pissed off, he would have suggested they go into a full-time career of stalking.

Thor flumped onto the four-poster.

“Please?”

Thor screamed and fell off the edge of the bed. He groaned at looked up at Peter, who was using his Spider-grippy thing to stick to the top of the bad. Thor shook his head. Forget stalking, they should just become super-sneaky spies. Well, Peter should. Wade would only sing spy songs at the top of his lungs while he was meant to by sneaking.

“No,” Thor answered after he began to breathe normally again.

“But-”

“No.”

Peter paused in contemplation.

His face brightened.

“Nope,” Thor all but shouted

Peter scrunched his eyebrows. “I didn’t say anything!”

“I know that look!” Thor replied. “You’ve got a new idea!”

“I do not!”

“You do!” Thor sighed. “Look, this new idea is going to be bad. I can tell,” Thor explained as Peter opened his mouth.

“It is not bad! All you need to do is steal Natasha’s-”

“See? Bad idea. Very bad idea!”

Peter continued. “-lipstick, then smear it-”

“FINE!” Thor shouted. “I’ll do the other idea! You _know_ what happened last time Clint stole Natasha’s lipstick!”

Peter grinned manically. “Yes! Lemme go tell Wade!”

Thor sighed. He was going to regret this.

 

 

“But how do you know he’ll come?” Thor asked sceptically for what felt like the fifth time.

“Oh, hush, you’ll see,” Wade replied.

Wade, Peter and Thor walked into the living room, where the Avengers were huddled.

Cap looked up from some paperwork. “Uh, Thor, why are you wearing another dress?”

“Should we be worried?” Clint queried.

“This _is_ the second time in less than a week,” Nat mused.

“So, remind me why you are wearing a dress?” Steve asked Thor, his eyebrows knotted.

“I hath returned to Midgard in order to show you the dance of my people.”

“Why?” Natasha asked.

“Because the red one told me to.”

All turned to look at Deadpool.

“This is so stupid,” Tony mused, rolling his eyes so far into his head that Peter was half-scared that they would get stuck. Not that Peter could talk, of course. His eyes rolled in his head no fewer than 17 times a day (and no, that was not a random number, he had counted).

“It’s not stupid!” Deadpool defended. “Well,” he considered, “It kind of is, but I needed a way to embarrass Thor.”

“And you made him wear a dress, because?” Clint asked.

“Because he wouldn’t do anything else! It was a last resort!”

“Wearing a _dress_ was a last resort,” Bruce said. “What else were you asked to do?”

Thor shuddered. “I’d rather not think about it.”

Peter and Wade snorted.

“Why did you need to embarrass Thor?” Bucky enquired.

Deadpool sighed in an exasperated manner. “ _BECAUSE,_ ” he stressed again, “I had no way to contact Loki, because gods know where he is, and I knew that if he ever heard of a way to embarrass Blondie here, he would come!”

“Indeed, I would,” Loki stepped out from a shadow, from gods know where, but he was promptly knocked over by a blur that fell from the ceiling.

“LOKI!!!” Peter cried as he landed on top of the God of Mischief.

“Yo,” Loki replied. Loki looked to Thor. "Brother, I am so glad I am not in your position," Loki snorted behind his hand. "Jarv, be a dear and record this?"

"Already have been, sir," Jarvis replied.

“Let’s go,” Deadpool said, dragging Loki by the elbow. Normally, Loki would never let anyone do this, but Deadpool had proved himself worthy when he but Stark’s jumpers through the dryer and shrank them all, so that he had to go around wearing Rogers’ jacket throughout his meetings for the day, until his schedule was free and he could buy new ones.

Barnes followed Peter, Loki and Wade out.

 

 

“You what?” Deadpool asked sceptically.

“I want in,” Bucky repeated.

“I’m all for that,” Peter said, “But why? Why now?”

“What are you hiding?!” Wade said, poking Bucky in the chest.

Bucky mumbled something.

“What was that?” Wade asked.

“They burnt my biscuits.”

“Oh, they are so going down.


	7. The Oil Prank: part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Oil prank: Part 1. Need I say more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEEEELLLLOOOOO! I AM SO VERY VERY SORRY! Here's a chapter?  
> DON'T YOU DARE THROW THOSE TOMATOES!

“Are you sure we should be doing this?” Peter asked, biting his lip and looking down towards the floor.

“AWWW!” Wade cried. Peter’s head snapped up, and Wade grabbed his cheeks.

“You’re so cute when you’re feeling guilty!” Wade let go of Peter’s cheeks and started skipping towards the desk where the bottles of Asgardian Olive Oil were placed (courtesy of Loki).

They were in the meeting place of the tower, a room near the helicopter pad, allocated for when the emergency alarm went off.

“Wade, don’t you think this is a bit-”

“Can you imagine how painful gay sex would have been before they invented lube?” Wade interrupted, opening the cap off the first bottle and sniffing it.

“What?” Peter said, folding his arms.

“Well,” Wade continued, half ignoring Peter. “Historians believe-”

“Since when did you listen to historians?”

“- that the Greeks were like ‘hmmm, what are we going to do about this?’ So then another Greek was like ‘OLIVES’!” Wade began pouring the Asgardian Oil over the floor near the door.

Peter balked. “Wait, so you’re saying-“

“They used olive oil as lube,” Wade said, grinning maliciously at Peter.

Peter looked horrified at Wade. “I will never look at Olive Oil the same way again.”

“You’re welcome!” Wade sang.

Loki entered room as Peter started gagging.

“What happened here?” Loki said, looking between Wade and Peter.

“Wade just told me that the Greeks used Olive Oil as lube.”

Loki laughed. I wasn’t a small snort, like ‘ha that was funny,’ but the type of laugh where the person was hugging their stomach, threatening to fall on the floor.

Oop, too late. Loki was on the floor. Laughing.

Wade took interest at this. “What?”

Loki could no longer breathe. He was laughing too hard.

“ _What?”_ Wade said, extremely interested now.

“You think…. the _Greeks_ … did that?” Loki managed to force out. It was quite a feat.

Loki regained some of his composure (he was able to breathe somewhat normally again.)

“Pfft, mortals,” Loki said, sitting up.

“Do you know how old I am?” Loki asked Peter and Wade.

“Old,” Wade said, walking to get another bottle of oil.

Loki laughed (it was a small one this time). “Yes.” He smirked. “Well, I took pity on their pain, picked an olive tree from Asgard, and gave it to them, with a little hint, of course.”

Peter chocked. “Wait, you mean-”

“I was the Goddess the Greeks called ‘Athena.’”

Wade considered this. “And then I’m guessing that Thor was-”

“Poseidon. And Odin was known as Zeus.”

“Weren’t they brothers?” Wade asked.

“The Greeks got a bit confused in the translation from Asgardian.”

Wade hummed.

“How are you so ok with this?” Peter asked turning to Wade.

Loki stumbled back a bit, and Peter didn’t miss the hurt in his eyes.

“Is it really that hard for you to grasp that I can be a woman?” Loki asked, his expression… different.

Peter realised it was vulnerable.

Peter immediately backtracked. “What?!?!” he cried. “Of course not! I mean about you giving man Olive Oil as lube!”

“Oh,” Loki said, looking down. Peter moved towards him, avoiding the puddle of oil (lube) on the floor.

Peter grasped Loki on the shoulder. The god looked up.

“Look, Loki,” Peter said. “I’m glad you opened up to us, but it doesn’t change anything. Whatever you define as, you’re still Loki and we love you.”

Loki smiled. “Thanks, Little Spider.”

Wade was silent throughout the exchange. “So,” he said. “What pronouns do you prefer?”

“Meh,” Loki said. “Depends on the time period.  Right now, I’m he/him, but I will respond to they/them.”

Wade finished dumping the oil on the floor. The entire floor was covered in a layer of it. The desks had all been pushed to the sides of the room, and Wade was currently marking a square in tape on the window that lead outside.

Wade stood, and lifted a hammer, swinging it back.

Peter launched himself at Wade. “NO!” he cried, landing on him and pushing him over. “NOT YET!”

Wade dropped the hammer and rolled over with Peter on his back, squashing him beneath him.

“mmmfffff,” Peter said.

“I can’t hear you Baby-Boy.”

Peter pushed Wade off him. When Wade stood, he attached himself to the other’s side, lifting his legs off the floor so he was hanging off Wade.

“Wow, role reversal much?” Wade said, poking at the limpet that was Peter.

“Don’t do it,” Peter begged.

Wade moaned. “Don’t do that to me, Baby-Boy,” he whined.

Peter intensified the puppy-dog eyes he knew he was doing.

“aaaaargggggg,” Wade moaned, tearing his eyes away from Peter like it physically hurt him, and picked up the hammer (with Peter still attached).

He swung it into the window.

It bounced off.

“Ha!” Peter cried. “Bulletproof glass!”

Wade cocked his head, then angled it so he was looking at Peter, and grinned maliciously.

“No,” Peter said.

Wade opened his mouth.

“Nope. I have a feeling you’re going to-”

Wade covered Peter’s mouth.

“Hee hee hee.”

Wade pried Peter off him and ran out the door before Peter could stop him.

Loki was still leaning against the door.

Peter glared at him. “Couldn’t you have stopped him?”

“Yes,” Loki said. “But why should I have?”

“Because someone’s going to get hurt!” Peter said.

Loki shrugged.

Peter groaned.

 

Wade came back with a rocket launcher.

“I want,” Loki said as soon as he saw it, reaching for it.

“Nope, this is my baby. No touching,” Wade said.

And fired it at the window.

The window shattered.

“Well,” Peter said. “That worked.”

Wade whooped.

“Let’s begin Phase Two of the prank.”

 

Phase Two literally consisted of Loki conjuring a giant slide that lead from the window to the street below. They covered that in oil as well.

“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” Peter said.

Bucky, Loki and Wade all shushed him.

“It’s time,” Bucky said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you'll have to see how the prank goes next update. Which will be soon. I promise.   
> Also, the Athena Poseidon thing they're talking about is a Greek myth where the two gods wanted to be worshipped in Athens, so Poseidon gave them a salt-water spring and Athena gave them the Olive Tree (guess who they chose)


	8. The Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Slide: Part Two

The Avengers came back from their mission tired but otherwise uninjured.

They retired to the usual living room with no suspicions.

Wade head over to the pranked living room.

He began humming the mission impossible song under his breath.

“Bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum bum-”

“BA BA BAAAAAA BA BA BAAAAAAAA BA BUM!”

Wade was tackled to the ground.

“Peetteeeeerrrr,” Wade groaned from the floor. “geroff.”

“No,” Peter said from where he was sitting on Wade. “Someone’s going to get hurt.”

“Yeah. ME.” Wade shoved Peter off and grabbed his hand. “Come on, let’s do this.”

Peter sighed, but gave in.

They strolled merrily towards the set-up room. Until Peter said they should continue via the vents, in which case they squatted merrily towards the room. At least, Wade was merry. Peter was grumbling.

“Dad’s gonna catch you,” Peter said.

Wade shrugged. “So? I get banned about once a day, nothing _worse_ can happen.”

Peter snorted. “I’m pretty sure he bought a new Taser.”

Wade giggled. “What, did the other one get tasered out?”

 “Yes actually.”

Wade fell victim to peels of laughter. “You’re… you’re saying… that Iron-Dude Tasered me so much it broke?” Wade continued to laugh in the vents.

“Shhh!” Peter hissed. “Someone’ll hear you! And it’s not that funny, it was going to happen at some point.”

“Sure, Baby-Boy,” Wade said, composing himself somewhat.

 

Wade and Peter dropped down from the vents and into the meeting room, Wade slipping over on the oiled surface, and Peter only remaining upright because of his powers. The wind blew through the window with the slide, but Loki had placed an enchantment so that it would appear as an ordinary wall, minus all the wind- but Peter doubted that that would be their main concern. Wade stood and grinned maliciously. He nodded at Peter.

Peter pressed his fingers to the comm.

“Hey, Bucky. Are the fam together?” Peter said, waiting for a reply.

“Yes, they’re in the common room. I’ll give Loki the signal,” Bucky said.

Loki spoke into the comm, obviously having received Bucky’s signal. “Three… Two… One-”

Alarms blared throughout the tower, their lights coating the corridors and rooms in red, and elongating the shadows. It made it conveniently hard to see. This particular alarm was dubbed by Tony ‘Code Run-Away’, and was essentially an evacuation sequence. Peter had hacked into Jarvis (he was really sorry about that), such that the alarm only sounded in the top floors, where the Avengers’ living quarters were. And the Avengers themselves.

 

Peter and Wade stood in the centre of the room, pretending to look out of breath, as though they had run to the room. Honestly, in Peter’s opinion, they were A+ actors.

Bucky came into view, running in order to arrive in the meeting room before the others. He paused at the entrance of the room, and very, _very_ slowly, with the assistance of the wall, entered the room. Bucky almost slipped over, but Wade caught him before it was too late. Peter snorted. God, they were so dramatic.

Clint, Cap, Sam and Tony were the first to arrive at the end of the corridor. They sprinted towards the meeting room, and Tony could be heard shouting orders.

“Sam, when you get there scan lower levels for oncoming threats.

 

The prank almost worked as planned.

 

It would have, if Capsicle hadn’t held out an arm, stopping Tony, Clint and Sam from entering the room.

“Get your arm away,” Sam said, pushing at Steve’s arm, but it wouldn’t budge. The alarms were still blaring, and Peter found they were getting a bit uncomfortable with his enhanced hearing, but they made the floor difficult to see.

“Somethings not right,” Cap said as he scanned Peter, Wade and Bucky.

Tony sighed dramatically. “Well, whoopdie-doo, hun, you’re Captain-Sense is going off, but the alarm’s gone off and we might soon be attacked by-”

“Us!” came two voices from behind the four males.

Steve, Tony Clint and Sam were pushed into the room, and they slid along the floor quickly.

Behind them stood Natasha and Loki, both grinning evilly. Peter wasn’t sure which smile unnerved him more.

Loki removed the enchantment from the window, to reveal the gaping, shattered hole in the middle of it, and, you know, the giant yellow slide.

“SoN oF a BiTcH!” Clint screamed as he crashed down the slide ungracefully (honestly, Peter was unsure Clint could do _anything_ gracefully. His Uncle seemed to have two left feet).

“Language!” Cap called as he too was pulled down by the slide, after trying to claw at the slippery floor to no avail.

“Now is hardly the time!” Same yelled as he spun around on the floor in circles on his way to the slide, having been at the end of the group and having the least momentum.

Apart from Tony, who was on the other end.

The last to disappear down the slide was Tony, for better or for worse- most likely for worse, judging from the amount of profanity that he was spouting out of his mouth.

Wade cut Tony off. “Now, Ant! What, you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“My mother’s dead, Asshole!” Tony replied, trying and failing to stand up.

Wade mock gasped. “No way. So’s mine! They’re probably friends in the after-life. I’ll have to ask Death the next time I see her!”

“Which will be soon, I can guarantee you that!” Tony said as he continued to slide slowly. Nat sighed and gave him another push. Tony fell out of the window and down the slide, though not before grabbing one of Wade’s ankles.

 Wade yelped.

“Save me, Baby-Boy!” Wade said, grabbing Peter and hugging him to his chest.

“No, Wade, this wasn’t part of the pla- AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!” Peter screamed as the three of them fell down the slide.

 

Was it fun?

 

No.

 

No, it wasn’t.

 

Did it hurt?

 

Hell yes.

 

And that was with Wade hugging him in a protective ball.

 

Peter and Wade exited the slide to see Cap rocking two and fro on the grass, hugging his knees, murmuring, “It wasn’t that bad… It wasn’t too high… It didn’t look like you were going to plummet to your death.”

Sam lay spread-eagled on the grass cussing under his breath.

Tony stood at the base of the slide, death glaring Peter and Wade.

Clint seemed to have been the only one who had enjoyed it.

“Hell, yeah!” he said, pumping his fist in the air. “Let’s do that again!”

“No more…” Cap mumbled. “Too high…”

Who knew Cap was afraid of heights?

Loki, Bucky and Nat materialised on the grass.

They immediately broke into laughter.

“HA HA!” Nat cried. “THE LOOKS ON YOUR FACES!”

Bucky wiped a tear from his eye. “Priceless!”

“Oh, that was so good,” Loki said.

“You had no right to do that!” Tony said, glaring at the five prankers.

“You burned my biscuits!” Bucky said.

“Oh, fuck your biscuits!”

Peter and Wade snorted.

Clint nodded at them, gesturing his arms at Tony and Clint. “See? It sounds really wrong!”

Bucky folded his arms, trying to keep a straight face. He couldn’t. “It was so worth is though!”

Sam stood and turned to Nat.

“Nat, how could you? I feel so betrayed. I thought we were going to stay neutral! We had an agreement!”

Natasha shrugged. “It seemed like fun.”

Sam, Steve and Tony all glared at her.

“Not. Fun,” they said in unison.

“Eh,” Clint said. “It was kinda-”

“NOT FUN!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really happy with this chapter, but, meh, I hope you enjoyed! This fic is kinda gonna wrap up in a few chapters, but it's one of those fics that can kind of keep going with no end, you know? So if you guys have any suggestions/ideas that you want me to write, I'll be sure to write them and put them in here! They can be short one-shots or longer things like the prank war, whatever you guys want. I dunno, I was thinking of maybe writing some stuff where the Avengers come to Peter's school (and Wade.) Mabe a bring your parent to school day, or a school dance where Peter brings Wade? I dunno. Comment if you want to read some of that, or if you have any ideas. YOUR COMMENTS GIVE ME LIFE. :3 I hope you enjoyed!


	9. The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK!!! Now, before you read this, listen to Pieces by Rob Thomas, or this chapter won't really make sense.
> 
> PLEASE READ THIS: my friend sent me this song and said "you should end the prank war like this," and I said sure. And then whatever the hell this chapter is happened. I am not happy with this as it doesn't go with the rest of the fic, but my sister insisted, so here you go. Angst.  
> What? Angst? yes, there is angst. If you don't want to read this you can skip this chapter, and a new chapter will come up soon with a shit-ton of fluff to make up for this chapter (i have a really good idea (at least, I think it's a good idea.)
> 
> So... read, if you want? You don't have to

 

The prank war ended the day that they made Wade cry.

The others had never seen Wade cry.

Peter had only seen him cry once.

And that was when he recounted what happened to him with Weapon-X.

 

It had been an innocent prank, really. A simple ‘play Allstars at the highest volume possible’ prank, at three am. Clint and Tony stood over the control panel, while Steve crossed his arms behind him.

God knew that he couldn’t work technology.

“Well, at least I don’t argue with the toaster every-day!” Cap said.

“I swear, that Toaster has a thing against me!” Clint defended.

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Probably from that time you kicked her and called her a fucker.”

“Language,” Cap said under his breath, but Tony heard.

“Hey, it doesn’t count when I’m quoting someone. Reprimand Legolas over here.”

Clint was fuming. “HER? HER?? THAT THING IS AN IT! A NO-GOOD, GOOD FOR NOTHING IT!”

“Wow,” Steve said. “That escalated quickly.

Tony snorted. “You know no good and good for nothing mean the exact same thing, right?”

Clint huffed. “Just play goddamn Allstars,” he said, reaching for his phone to tap the song.

In his anger, he tapped the wrong song.

He tapped “Pieces,” by Rob Thomas.

The three didn’t notice.

They had soundproofed the room so their ears wouldn’t be assaulted, after all.

Harmless, right?

 

 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Peter screamed as he sat up, eyes wide, covering his ears in an attempt to stop the assault of piano notes.

 

_Run away, run away if you can’t speak._

Wade sat up in a flurry of limbs and rubbed his eyes.

“Is this supposed to be a prank?” Wade mumbled, “Because if it is, it’s a terrible choice of song.”

 

_Wide awake and you’re scared that you won’t come down, now._

Wade froze.

“Wade?” Peter asked.

 

_Didn’t I warn you, didn’t I warn you?_

“TURN IT OFF!” Wade screamed. “TURN IT OFF RIGHT NOW, THIS ISN’T FUNNY!” He started shaking.

 

_Better start believing in yourself._

Wade clutched his head.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” he started hissing like a mantra.

“Wade?” Peter asked again.

 

_We build it up, we tear it down. We leave our pieces on the ground._

Wade launched towards Peter, and held him tight against is chest.

“I couldn’t do anything,” Wade whimpered. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave. Don’t go. You don’t want to go.”

 

_Hold on to me, You’re all I have, all I have._

Wade’s shaking intensified. Peter held Wade’s face I his hands. “What are you talking about?” he asked. “I’m never going to leave you.”

“You might not have a choice,” Wade replied, and a tear fell onto his cheek.

“What’s going on?” Peter asked.

Wade clutched his head again. “Please make it stop.”

“Jarvis!” Peter shouted. “Turn it off!”

The song continued to play, and Jarvis could barely be heard over it.

“Mr. Stark has prevented me from doing any such thing.”

“Just turn it off!” Peter screamed.

“I cannot, sir.”

Peter whipped his head around to Wade, who was still clutching his head and crying.

Pete huffed impatiently. Tony was going to kill him for what he was about to do, but he had to.

“Jarvis?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Initiate code 371.”

 

 

“Are you recording this?” Clint said to Tony as they watched Bucky leap a foot into the air when the music began playing. The cameras were pretty blurry, but they would have to do.

“Do you really think I’d pass up an opportunity to see Peter flip his ridiculously earnest shit?” Tony asked.

“How _are_ Wade and Pete doing?” Steve asked, leaning over Tony.

“Let’s see, shall we?”

Suddenly, the room went dark. The monitors turned off, the holographic screens shut down, the lights, the exit signs, even the small lights on the fire alarms turned off. The only light came from the window in the control room, and even that was low due to it being, you know, three in the how can you call this morning. Plus, they were too high in the tower for the street lamps below to be of any help.

“What’s going on?” Steve asked Tony.

“Shit, Mary and fucking Joseph, who left a desk in here?” Clint said, rubbing his toe from where he had stubbed it on the table, that he knew was there. He just couldn’t see it. It was dark, alright?

“Language,” Cap said under his breath.

“I get ten points for creativity, though,” Clint said still hopping around on one foot.

“Jarvis?” Tony said.

There was no reply.

“Hey, Jarv?”

Jarvis voice came over the speaker, though it was unusually robotic, and lacking its usual emotion. “System reboot will be completed in five hours.”

“ _System reboot?_ ” Tony asked, the same time Clint said, “five _hours?”_

Steve looked at his husband. “Did you accidentally reboot Jarvis?”

Tony levelled a glare at Steve. “Does it _look_ like _I_ reboot Jarvis?”

“Honestly, yes.”

“Well, I didn’t, so someone else did.”

 

 

Wade was still holding his ears, despite the music having turned off when Peter reboot Jarvis. Peter removed Wade’s hands and held them.

“Wade?”

“Do you know what I dream about?” Wade said, looking up.

“Uh- I- I know you have nightmares but-” Peter stammered, not quite knowing where this was going.

Wade shushed him. “I see things in my dreams.”

Peter was silent, waiting for Wade to continue.

Wade cocked his head. “Do you believe in the multi-verse?”

“Well, I’ve heard you mention it a few times-”

“I do,” Wade interrupted standing up, and he began to pace.

“Every night, I shut my eyes, and I see different universes.” Wade continues to pace.

“But lately, all I’ve been seeing is one.” Wade began flapping his arms.

“This one universe, where we lose.” Wade stopped flapping, stopped pacing, and turned to Peter.

“And half of the universe dies.”

Wade’s eyes began to fill with tears.

“Ant every night I have to watch everyone die. The only family I’ve ever had who has actually _accepted_ me.”

Wade flopped down on the bed.

“And you, he said, quietly.

“And that song,” Wade continues, louder.

“That MOTHERFUCKING SONG plays in my head. Every single time I watched you die.”

Peter wrapped Wade in a hug. “But that’s not our universe, and trust me. I am never going to go anywhere where you can’t follow me.”


	10. The Robotocs

“That is the worst idea I have heard you say, and that is saying something.”

“I think it’s a great idea!” Peter replied to Tony as he leapt onto the island.

“What’s a great idea?” Clint said, walking into the kitchen.

“A cooking competition!” Peter said as he ignored Tony’s eye roll.

Clint snorted. “Why?”

“Pete’s been watching cooking shows again,” Tony said.

Natasha walked into the room. “Blame Bucky.”

“You’d think that after watching so many, he’d actually be able to cook,” Peter replied.

“Harsh, but true,” Bucky said, also walking into the room. “What’s for breakfast?”

“Pancakes,” Tony said, cracking eggs into a bowl.

“Tones.”

“What?”

“You can’t cook.”

“I know!” Tony agreed. “Another reason why we shouldn’t have a cooking competition!”

“And another reason why _you_ ,” Steve said as he breezed into the kitchen, “Shouldn’t be making breakfast.” Cap took away the salt from Tony and replaced it with a tub of sugar.

“Well, I think it’s a good idea,” Peter insisted.

Tony levelled a glare at Peter. “Steve is literally the only one here who can cook.”

“Wade can cook,” Clint said as he stole a strawberry that Tony had been cutting.

Clint squawked as Tony lifted the knife threateningly.

“Did someone just say I could cook?” Wade said as he entered the kitchen (via the vents, of

course.)

“Hey!” Clint cried indignantly. “Crawling through vents is my shtick!”

Wade ignored him.

“Wade,” Tony said smiling, though it was clearly forced (plus, he was clenching he teeth as he spoke). “Did you just break _another_ one of my vents?”

“Yup,” Wade said, popping the ‘p’.

“Great,” Tony replied. “Gives me an excuse to do THIS!”

Tony leapt at Wade, drawing up the knife he was still holding.

Wade screamed.

Natasha leaned her elbow on the island next to Peter. “I’m having incredible Déjà vu right now. Anyone else?”

Bucky nodded as he took an apple out of the fridge.

Cap whisked the pancake mixture (after removing the eggshells Tony had left).

Wade ran out of the kitchen, and Tony followed, still waving the knife threateningly, wholly looking like he was about to throw the knife into Wade’s back.

“Don’t stab him too much, hon,” Steve called over his shoulder.

“What even is my life?” Peter said to no-one.

“What even is _life_?” Bucky said, sitting on one of the stalls, taking a bite of his apple and looking into the distance.

Everyone gawked at him.

“What?” he said looking over the group.

Clint groaned. “That was too deep for a Monday morning.”

Peter balked. “Monday?!?”

It was Peter’s turn to be gawked at.

“Yes?” Natasha replied.

“Shit, I thought it was Sunday!”

“You thought it was…” Cap trailed off as Peter lunged for his books that were strewn across the kitchen table.

“What time is it?” Peter asked frantically, but he was already running out the door, a muesli bar in his hand.

“Time is a construct,” he heard Bucky say.

“Shut up!” Natasha called at the same time Clint moaned “It’s too early to handle this deep shit.”

 

 

 

 

“Parker!” A voice shouted.

  
“Huh?” Peter said intelligently as he hid his web-fluid calculations.

Mr Harrigton looked at Peter over his glasses.

“Do you think this is a good idea?” Mr Harrington asked Peter, who looked over at Ned for help.

Ned just shrugged.

“Could you repeat that, sir?” Peter asked innocently.

Mr Harrington sighed and returned to the front of the class.

“Fine,” he said, addressing the class. “For those who may have missed what I said two minutes ago,” he glared at Peter. “This year we have invited your families to come to the robotics competition next week. They will stay at your stall and assist you, but will not be able to complete your projects for you.”

Mr Harrington turned back to the board and wrote down an equation, continuing on with the lesson.

Ned leaned over to Peter. “Duuuuuude,” He whispered.

“Huh?” Peter replied, confused.

“You gotta invite the Avengers.”

Peter glared at Ned.

“Dude,” he said blankly. “The gym will be in flames by the end of the night.”

“I know! It’ll be sick!”

Peter stared blankly at his best friend. “You can hear yourself, right?”

Ned nodded back vigorously.

“I guess…” Peter said.

Ned whooped loudly and stood up, his chair falling over behind him.

The class went silent.

“Leeds!” Mr Harrington shouted.

“Busted,” MJ said from Peter’s other side.

When the hell did _she_ get there?

 

 

 

“Chimichangas.”

“Shawarma.”

“Chimichangas!”

“Shawarma!”

“CHIMICHANGAS!” Wade shouted as he threw a spoon.

“SHAWARMA!” Tony shouted back as he dodged behind the island and drew a butter knife.

“CHIMICHANGAS, MUTHAFUCKA!” Wade said, drawing a katana.

“SHAWARMA, ASSHOLE!” Tony said, bringing up a vicious-looking kitchen knife.

“CHIMICHANGAS, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SCRAP METAL!” Wade brought out a gun.

“SHAWARMA, YOU SMASHED PIECE OF BURNT TOAST!” Tony said, readying his repulsors.

“CHIMCHANGAS, YOU SOON TO BE BURNT STAIN ON THE FLOOR!” Wade screamed, drawing a rocket launcher (from who knows where.)

“Guys!” Peter said, dropping from the ceiling and landing on the island. The two males on either side of the island paused their insulting.

“You’re all wrong!” Peter continued. “I’m pretty sure, the best food, hands down, was Aunt May’s cherry pie.”

Wade and Tony straightened. “True,” they both said.

Cap entered the living room, waving a sheet of paper in his hand.

“Look what I found,” he sang.

“What?” Peter asked, flipping over the island to land on Cap’s shoulder.

“Your Aunt’s recipe for her famous Cherry Pie!”

Peter narrowed his eyes. “That was oddly coincidental.”

Cap grinned. “Yeah, I found it in the corridor. Tony dropped.”

Peter whipped his head around to Tony. The billionaire paled.

Wade’s gloved hand flew to cup his face in surprise.

Clint gasped as he entered the kitchen. “ _That’s_ why your pies have been better than normal!”

“They’re not better than the kid’s Aunt’s were,” Nat said as she too entered the living room.

“Yeah, you kind of butchered the recipe,” Bucky said, entering after Nat.

“I-But-Well,” Tony spluttered.

Peter took the recipe from Tony. “Let’s make dessert!” he called, turning the oven on.

“We haven’t even had dinner yet!” Tony said, although he was reaching into the cupboard for the flour.

“I’ll make chimichangas!” Wade said

“Shawarma!” Tony insisted.

“Chimichangas,” Peter said, moving over to Wade’s side.

“Fiiiiiinnneee,” Tony dragged out. “But only because I am a great person.”

“Sure,” Clint said.

“And so I feel better about crashing Pete’s robotics comp tomorrow.”

Natasha snorted. “You wouldn’t feel bad about crashing his robotics comp anyway.”

“True,” Tony shrugged.

Peter spluttered. “How do you know about that?”

“Nat,” Tony replied.

Peter sight ling-sufferingly. It was always Nat. Natasha smirked at him as though she knew exactly what he was thinking. She probably did.


	11. Hi!

Hi! this isn't an update, but, um, [discord!](https://discord.gg/xuETavH)

(click [discord](https://discord.gg/xuETavH))

(or copy and paste this: https://discord.gg/xuETavH)

Please don't kill me!

*hides under the bed*

"Hey, Author, the readers want an update!"

Go away, Wade, this isn't an update!

"Well, make it an update!"

No! I can only write so fast!

"Then get writing the chapter, not this update!"

But-

"You do realise you are literally arguing with yourself, right?"

But- I- You- ... Touché

"Hey! Readers! Yes! You! Join the discord server!"

Yep, I think they get it. Bye, Wade.

"Toodles!"

Ok, so, yeah! Join the server! Deadpool pretty much summed it up! See you soon!

*Crawls out from under bed to grab laptop and write a chapter instead of geo assignment*


	12. The comp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh, umm... here's a chapter?  
> Look, I know it has been a while, but I just needed a few weeks to get my shit together.  
> If you are still reading this fic, Thank you so much!  
> I hope you enjoy!  
> (Ps OH MY GOD WE HIT 800 KUDOS AND JUST? THANK YOU SO MUCH?)

Peter’s alarm went off. He looked around, noticing Wade wasn’t there, because he had gone off on a mission that night. Apparently, he would be back in time for the robotics competition.

Hopefully.

Peter rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

His phone went off.

**Guy in the chair:** dude

 **Guy in the chair:** you up?

 **Guy in the char:** did you ask your fam to come?

 **Guy in the chair:** to the robotics comp?

 **Guy in the chair:** today?

 **Spideyboy:** nat found out

 **Spideyboy** : yeah they’re coming

 **Guy in the chair:** Yaaaaaassssss

 **Spideyboy** : *rolls off bed*

 **Guy in the Chair:** this is gonna be awesome

 **Spideyboy:** *begins choking*

 **Guy in the chair:** pete

 **Spideyboy** : *falls limp*

 **Guy in the chair:** lmao

 **Spideyboy:** : <

 **Guy in the chair:** it won’t be that bad

 **Spideyboy:** you’re being waaay to optimistic

 **Guy in the chair:** you’re calling ME optimistic

 **Guy in the chair:** you are like the most optimistic person I know

 **Spideyboy:** Am not

 **Guy in the chair:** sure.

 

Peter smirked and put his phone down, flopping back onto his pillow.

“Hey, you up yet, Webs?” Tony said, his head popping out from behind Peter’s door.

“Basically,” Peter said. He groaned and rolled over.

“Nope,” Tony said. “Up, up, up. I made pancakes.”

“LIES!” Someone screamed from downstairs.

Tony smirked. “Come on, Pete, time for the pancakes that _I_ made.”

“LIES!” Bucky screamed, and he tackled Tony from behind. “I MADE THE PANCAKES, SO DON’T FUCKING TAKE THE CREDIT FOR MY MASTERPIECES!”

“LANGUAGE!” Cap screamed from downstairs.

“I’m sorry, Stevie,” Bucky mocked, his tone calm as he rolled off Tony. Tony groaned but made no move to stand. “Please don’t fucking take the credit for my muthafucking beautiful pancakes.”

“I don’t know why I bother anymore,” Steve said, also walking into Peter’s room, however, _he_ came with a plate of pancakes.

Peter groaned.

“Why do you dooo this to me?” He asked, his voice muffled from where it was smushed against his pillow.

“Do what?” Steve said (And Peter knew he was cocking his head to the side just from the tone that he used. he was like a small puppy! Like a Labrador!)

“Make me get up, by bringing pancakes into it! This is bribery!”

“Life is a bribe,” Bucky said blankly.

“What did we say about spouting deep shit in the morning?” Clint said, walking into Peter’s room.

“That we like it?” Bucky said.

Clint rolled his eyes

“Pete,” Tony said.

“What.”

“Up.”

“No”

“Pancakes.”

“Fine.”

 

The school hall was decked in decorations. (Ha. Alliteration).

Seriously, it was like a festival.

Peter didn’t mind that, though. He thought of the robotics competition as a festival. Before Uncle Ben had died, he used to go with Peter. Sure, Uncle Ben didn’t have a clue what robotics really _was,_ but the moral support was good. Because the competition was every two years due to the lack of school funding, this was the first competition he had without Uncle Ben.

Huh.

It had been two years since he moved in with the Avengers.

It felt like longer.

“Duuuuude,” Ned said walking over to him. “This looks wild.”

Tables were set up around the outsides of the hall that looked to be decked with the most expensive equipment the school seemed to own. Because the school only launched into the fundamentals of robotics in Year 11, most students who attended the school, especially in the younger years, didn’t participate. They watched. Which sounds boring, but was actually pretty cool, considering half the fun of robotics was building the actual robot. Anyway, because of this, there were only about 30 tables set up, two to each table to share the equipment. in the centre of the room were crates full of materials.

“So, do you want to work at the same table?” Peter asked Ned.

Ned looked apologetically at Peter.

“Sorry, Dude, I already promised MJ I would partner with her,” he said, glancing to where MJ was already putting her bag down at one of the tables.

“That’s ok,” Peter said. “I’ll just work on the table next to you.”

“Umm, yeah,” Ned said. “About that. The table to the right of us is already taken, and the one on the left…”

“Flash,” Peter said, narrowing his eyes to where he saw Flash chatting to his dad in what seemed to be a very… expressive manner.

Kind of like they were preparing for a war.

“Oh, I think it will be fine,” Peter said.

Ned smirked. “Same.”

 

They moved towards their tables, and slowly, other people began sifting through the doors and into the school hall.

“You’re screwed, Parker,” Flash said, leaning over to Peter.

“I really don’t think I am,” Peter said.

Flash rolled his eyes. “Of course, you don’t. You’re too oblivious to notice when you’re not wanted. The Avengers? They don’t care. You’re just their charity case.”

“No, he isn’t, he’s our son,” Tony said, placing a hand on Peter’s shoulder.

“Wait,” Bucky said. “Does that make us all Dads? I don’t want to be a Dad.”

“Of course not,” Clint said. “Someone has to be the Mom. Cap!”

“Huh?” Steve said, looking up from where he was fiddling with a piece of circuit like it held the answers to the universe.

“Well, I want to be the Uncle,” Clint continued. “Not the weird Uncle, though. The fun Uncle.”

“I want to be the cool Uncle,” Bucky said.

“Bucky,” Peter said seriously. “When someone says they want to be the ‘cool relative’, you immediately know: _They are not cool._ ”

“I’ll be the Aunt,” Natasha supplied, although she was just cooly glaring at Flash.

Clint opened his mouth, then shut it, then said, uncertainly, “That it? Or do you want-”

“Just the Aunt,” Natasha snapped.

Flash looked like he was trying to think of something to say.

“Seriously? _This_ kid again? Why does he look like he has constipation?” Someone said from behind Peter.

“Wade!” Peter said, whirling around and attaching himself to Wade’s side.

“Hey, Petey! Did you miss me?”

Peter looked at Wade like he had just asked Peter if he wanted to steal Clint's arrows (it sounds random, but it was sort of a tradition).

“Do I even need to answer that?”

“Nope!” Wade said.

“Excuse me, everyone!” Mr Harrington said from the centre of the hall, his voice amplified through the speakers. “The Robotics Competition will begin in 5 minutes, so if all friends and family could be seated in the audience or around the tables that would be greatly appreciated.”


	13. The plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back! I'm sorry for that impromptu hiatus, I just had a bit of writer's block and loads of school work and stress and I am so so so so sosoossosososo sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.
> 
> But! Here is another chapter, leaving off where the last chapter did!
> 
> I'm just going to leave a bit of a warning for some homophobic language towards the end. The end of this chapter and next chapter will focus a bit on that kind of stuff, so I'm just going to warn you. I feel like venting some stuff.
> 
> anyway, I love you all, and thank you so much for reading. If you would like, you could leave Kudos? That would be great and gives me the incentive to keep writing
> 
> And comment. I try to reply to everyone, and i definitely read every one, so thank you.
> 
> ALSO WE HIT 1000 KUDOS! WHAAATTT???? THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!

“So,” Mr Harrington said. “Your task is to create a robot. This year’s theme is ‘a changing feature’. You will be marked on your concept and execution, and this project may be extra credit for your end of year mark. You have half and hour of planning, and then you may begin.”

Peter scrunched his eyes. A changing future? What could he- ohhhhhhh. He had an idea. It was going to be hard though. Really hard. Luckily, he’d been working on this idea in one of Tony’s labs. It was cheating, necessarily…

“I know that look!” Tony said, pointing his finger at Peter, almost accusingly.

“Relax,” Peter said. “I won’t blow up the school.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at Peter. “I never said you would blow up the school, which just makes me think that you were thinking you _would_ blow up the school, and now I’m even more worried than I was before. And a tad confused.”

“Come on,” Peter reasoned. “How many times have I blown up your lab?”

Wait. Peter hadn’t thought that through before he said that.

The look Tony sent Peter was enough to confirm what he thought.

“I promise I won’t blow anything up!”

“Well, Clint might if he doesn’t step away from that thing,” Steve said, who was glaring at Clint who held up a welder in front of him and was grinning slightly evilly at it.

Peter grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing up plans.

“Is it bad that I have no idea what that is?” Clint said from over Peter’s shoulder.

“Yes,” Tony said. “It is very bad that you don’t understand what my eighteen-year-old kid is drawing.”

“To be fair,” Bruce intervened. “He _is_ designing a very complicated robot and- oohhh, I get it, you were being sarcastic,” Bruce backtracked at Tony’s dry eye-roll.

“Yes, I was being sarcastic! There is no way Clint could know what he’s drawing. It’s like, university-level engineering, and, what did you study in university, again, Clint? Oh, that’s _right,_ you didn’t go! You trained as a circus act!”

“You swore never to mention that,” Clint hissed through his teeth.

“You did? I think it was awesome,” Wade said seriously. “You got on the team because you-” Wade cracked, and couldn’t hold his laughter in, façade breaking.

He doubled over laughing, and Clint jabbed his elbow onto Wade’s spine, and Wade collapsed on the floor, still laughing.

“You- oh god- learnt how to use a bow and arrow- aha – in a circus!”

Wade continued to roll on the floor, laughing his head off. It was mildly disturbing, mainly because Peter wasn’t sure if he had taken a breath in the last minute. He was probably the only person who was worried about that. Others were probably more concerned about the fact that there was a trained mercenary in their midst. Meh. Both were valid reasons to be concerned. Peter just didn’t worry over the latter.

Clint glared at Tony. “Now look what you’ve done,” he said, gesturing to where Deadpool was rolling on the floor of a school hall. “He’ll never let this down.”

Tony shrugged. “Worth it. You should have gone to university.”

“Circumstances, Stark! Circumstances.”

“I’d hate to interrupt this… lovely conversation,” Nat said, “But you’re all drawing a bit of attention to yourselves.”

Wade stopped laughing and sat up, clutching his back, his legs spread wide like a child

“Goddammit, Clint, I think you dislocated one of my discs.”

Clint flipped his middle finger up at Wade.

“That was pathetic, Birdbrain,” Tony said, flipping his glasses over his eyes.

Wade gasped. “A pathetic Birdy by Birdy. I didn’t even know that was possible.” Wade turned to Peter. “Did you know that was possible?”

Peter smiled at Wade’s antics, but turned away from his boyfriend in favour of continuing his project. He looked up to the clock, to see that twenty minutes had passed. That was ok. He could do it.

 

Peter dragged Bruce away from the group to the middle of the hall where the larger pieces of machinery were kept, as well as large sheets of metal.

“Why are you bringing me?” Bruce asked. “Wouldn’t Tony be better, cause he’s, like, an engineer and all that?”

“Maybe, but this bit has more to do with physics than anything else.”

“I saw your designs,” Bruce noted. “They seem really good. Too good to be thought of in twenty minutes.”

“I may be working on this in one of Tony’s labs,” Peter said.

“Isn’t that cheating?”

“I mean, I guess, but I’ve never actually designed a prototype, or gone over the science. It’s just a concept I’ve been thinking of.”

“Ah, cool. So, what is your concept?”

“Well, I’m thinking of making a robot bird, that will hopefully be able to fly, depends how much aluminium sheets there are, and the concept is how in the future, a lot of fauna will be extinct and how it will only exist in robots, but-” Peter cut himself off, the base of his skull throbbing with his Spidey-Sense.

Bruce raised an eyebrow in question. Peter held up a finger cocking his head to the side, listening to anything that may be of danger.

Words swam around him, sounds of people talking, laughing, the sound of metal against metal. The flares of sound from people welding metal to metal. The sound of keys on computers. Sounds, of a happy atmosphere, apart from in one corner of the room.

It was only because Peter was listening for it, that he managed to hear the words over the din.

“Fucking faggots.”

Peter whirled, to see Mr Thompson mutter this to his son behind Tony, Steve and Bucky.

What made Peter rush back to the table with such speed wasn’t the words themselves; Tony, Steve and Bucky handled words like this frequently, though, admittedly, not at such close distance, not basically to their _faces._

No, what made Peter run over there was Wade’s reaction.

It was no more than a whisper, a calm, controlled set of mundane words said with a smile that Peter could see sent goose-bumps onto Mr Thompson's flesh. And, he could see, some of the Avengers.

“I’m sorry, I missed that. What did you say?” 


	14. The bird and the hammer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayo here is another chapter! I said it would be 1-2 weeks, and here it is, right in between. Hope you enjoy! I got sad after writing the first bit, so I wrote some fluff. Next chapter is very fluffly. VERY fluffly.
> 
> ENjoy!!!!

 Peter arrived back at the table slightly breathless after getting back so fast. Bruce was still fast-walking back, as to not draw _too_ much attention to the group, though Peter doubted there would be any point if things went down the way he thought they would.

Wade’s shoulders were tense, his hands twitching to reach for the guns that were stored at his side. Wade approached Flash and his Father, though his words were directed at Mr Thompson.

“I don’t know who you think you are, you homophobic asshole, but I do know that if you and your son don’t leave right now I am going to gut you and strangle you _with your intestines.”_

Wade’s face was up against Mr Thompson’s and he loomed over the shorter man, eyes of his mask decisive and _angry_.

“Wade,” Steve said. “It’s alright. It’s not a-”

Deadpool held up a finger as Cap approached him, not looking away from Mr Thompson.

“Hey, I just thought, you named your kid Flash. What the fuck went on there?” Wade said to the cowering man.

Flash himself was slowly backing away from the mercenary toward the door, and his father’s mouth just opened and shut, but only a small squeak came out.

Natasha, who was smirking slightly, and who was seemingly the only one of the Avengers not looking fearfully between Wade and Mr Thompson, said, “His actual name is _Eugene.”_

Wade whipped his head to Natasha, then back at Mr Thompson. “OK,” he said. “I am sorry to any people named Eugene reading this fic, but for _god’s sake_ what the fuck kind of name is that? It’s the 21st century!”

Mr Thompson began backing away but Wade promptly turned back to Mr Thompson.

“Oh, no you don’t. I don’t care what kind of pompous man you think you are, but those ‘faggots’ have amounted to more than what you could ever hope to be, and depending on if you ever change your mindset, the same could be said for your son. So, either you and your brat get out of here, or Bea and Arthur will meet your neck. Last warning. Leave.”

Wade shoulders where heaving, and for whatever reason, Mr Thompson didn’t move.

It may have been fear that glued him in place, judging from the look on the man’s face, but Wade only saw the man _not leaving._

He pulled out one of his knives and started toward the man, but suddenly there was _Peter._

“Wade, it’s ok. Look, Mr Thompson is leaving now,” Peter said, pointing to the rapidly retreating form of Mr Thompson and his son. “Bucky, Steve and Tony are fine, everyone is ok.”

The whites of Wade’s mask narrowed, and he looked between the Thompsons, Peter, and Bucky, Steve and Tony.

He sheathed the knife.

“Hey, Tony?” Wade called.

“Ye-” Tony’s voice cracked. “Yeah?”

“Make sure that fucker gets sued or something.”

“I’ll figure something out.”

Steve approached Wade. “Really, Wade, we didn’t mind. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Well I did,” Wade said. “Because I wanted to.”

“He deserved it,” Clint said.

Nat nodded.

Steve screwed his nose, but didn’t say anything.

Wade clapped his hands. “Let’s win this Robot Competition.”

 

 

The process of making the robot bird was an adventurous affair. The fact that they got it finished was a feat in itself. The fact that they completed it with everyone in one piece was the most surprising feat, however.

Clint set Steve’s shirt on fire, Bucky dented the table after getting frustrated because the ‘bolts were too small’, Nat nearly stabbed a student for asking for a pencil, Bruce almost hulked out when Peter dropped a toolbox on his foot, and Wade didn’t do anything to help. He just ate chimichangas the whole time. And wouldn’t give any to Tony. Tony banned him from all food in the tower because of that.

When the timer ran out and all projects had to be presented, Peter was left with a mechanical bird that they had managed to make fly, using lightweight metals, fans, and wing movements.

 

It was safe to say that they won.

 

 

 

 

 

The lunch bell was half an hour away from ringing, and Peter, to put it lightly, was bored out of his damn mind.

That was, until Thor entered his classroom.

Thor ignored the spluttering of Mr Harrington as he strode up the aisle to Peter.

“Man of-” Thor stopped himself before he greeted Peter with his usual ‘man of spiders’ nickname. “Son of Stark!” Yeah, because that was sooooo much better.

Also, Thor had a snake around his bicep.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” Peter stuttered.

“Stark suggested we try something,” Thor replied, placing Mjolnir on Peter’s table.

The green slithered from Thor’s to Peter’s arm. Loki, then. Peter waved at him. The snake flicked its tongue in response.

“I didn’t mean _now!”_  a voice said from outside the window.

“Holy shit, that’s Iron Man!” one of Peter’s classmates said. Sure enough, Mr Stark was in his suit hovering outside the second story window.

Tony tried to open the window, although, as previously discovered, you can’t open a window latch with the suit on.

Peter stood and unlocked the window. Loki hissed at Tony.

Peter snorted. “Eloquent.”

“Son of Stark,” Thor addressed. “Stark, and, admittedly, Lady Natasha and my traitorous brother over there, supposes that could lift Mjolnir.”

“It’s a hammer, why wouldn’t-”

“Just pick it up, kid,” Tony said.

Peter walked up to Mjolnir and lifted it with ease. He passed it back to Thor his eyebrow raised.

There was silence in the classroom. Someone coughed. Glares were sent to that person.

“What?” Peter said, looking from Thor to Tony. Thor looked shocked, and a grin was starting to spread on Tony’s face. The snake on Peter’s arm started to make constipated choking noises.

“Are you _laughing?”_ Peter said to Loki.

The snake transformed back into the God of Mischief, and Loki braced his hands on his knees as he wheezed breathlessly with laughter.

“What?” Peter repeated, this time looking at his classmates. They were all gaping at him.

“ _What?”_


	15. The Doritos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeet. ENjoy tHiS cHaPtEr wHIle i hoMeWoRK plEASe.

There was nothing unusual about that day, Tony thought, looking back at how he had woken up at 10 am and had peeled his face from his workbench where he had unknowingly fallen asleep.

 

 

No, there was nothing that morning to warn him that he would make the greatest discovery in the history of ever in a few hours, nor that he would find a considerable dent in his bank allowance.

 

But, meh, it was a small price to pay.

 

So, that morning Tony Stark rubbed to drool from the corner of his mouth and head upstairs to the main kitchen.

 

His mind was sort of solely focused on only the word ‘FOOD,’ so really, it came as no surprise that when Tony saw a lump hanging from the ceiling, he screamed.

It was a manly scream. A scream that screamed of manliness. That cracked on the end. But that was irrelevant.

 

“Peter! What the hell are you doing on my ceiling?”

 

The kid cocked his head to the side from where he was (somehow) eating cereal upside down.

 

“I got kicked out of our apartment yesterday because Wade blew a hole in the floor and Steve said I could stay over and I would have asked you if I could but when I went into the workshop you were sleeping and you looked really peaceful and I don’t say that in a creepy way, I didn’t like, watch you sleep, but I didn’t want to wake you because you aren’t getting enough sleep lately, although judging from your expression I probably should have woken you up and-”

 

“Aargggg it’s too early for this, Kid. Jarvis, make me a coffee.”

 

“You know that cocoa beans aren’t going to be able to grow in 2050, so you might want to wean yourself off-”

 

“Peteeerrrr! It’s too-” Tony cut himself off, squinting at the kid. “Wait. Why are you so hyper this morning? You’re not usually this-”

 

“Steve made me a coffee.”

 

“STEVE WHAT?” Tony whirled around to the living room couch, where Steve was innocently eating a piece of toast, watching Tony and Peter in amusement.

 

Steve shrugged. “The kid asked for it.”

 

“I told him not to,” Bucky chimed in, “But he didn’t listen.”

 

Tony rolled his eyes and picked up his coffee.

 

“What do we want to do today?” he said, looking to the three in the immediate area.

 

Bucky shrugged, and Steve was too enamoured in his toast (How is Nutella so good and why wasn’t it invented in the 40s?) to answer. Peter, however, screamed “STAR WARS!” at the top of his lungs, causing Steve, Tony and Bucky to all flinch.

 

There was a cry from the ceiling, and Clint was suddenly on the floor.

 

“Morning guys,” he groaned, sitting up.

 

“Did you sleep in the vents again?” Bucky asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Natasha’s angry with me.”

 

“You’re a dead-man,” Tony said, sipping his coffee.

 

“I’m hungry,” Clint announced, moving over to the pantry. He swung open the doors, and reached to pull out-

 

His hand grabbed at empty air.

 

Clint’s shoulders clenched. “Guys,” he breathed through clenched teeth.

 

He whirled around to face the four.

 

“Where are my Doritos?!”

 

Clint was fuming.

 

Peter’s head whipped up from where it had previously been buried in a bag or Doritos.

 

“Dese aw sum dewishush dowidows,” Peter said with his mouth full.

 

“Why you little-” Clint said, launching himself at Peter.

 

Peter screamed, clutching the Dorito packed to his chest.

 

“GiVe Me BaCk mY dOrItOs!”

 

“Come get them, old man!”

 

“You punk!”

 

Tony, Steve and Bucky looked on calmly as the two Avengers fought on the floor. Tony sent an amused look to Steve and Bucky over the commotion in front of him. Peter had Clint pinned under him, his hands holding Clint’s arms down. The Doritos, however, were in his right hand. Clint threw his arm out, and the Dorito packet went flying, its contents spilling into the air.

 

Tony noticed one sailing towards his face, and he caught it between his thumb and

forefinger. He smirked at Clint and Peter who were heaving breathes as they stood, bracing their hands on their knees.

 

And that’s when he noticed it.

 

Perhaps he would have only noticed if the lighting was exactly how it was then.

 

Maybe it was because of the way he was angled, Dorito in hand at eye level.

 

Or maybe it was because he was an idiot.

 

All were likely.

 

Nonetheless, Tony was suddenly taken over with the greatest revelation he had ever experienced.

 

“Steve,” Tony said shakily. “Don’t freak out, but you are a Dorito.”

 

Steve looked at Tony blankly, but Tony was too focused on that way that Steve’s torso fit

 _exactly_ into the shape of the Dorito.

 

Tony ran out of the room.

***

 

 

“Pepper.”

 

“No.”

 

“But, Pepper, _think_ about it.”

 

“No.”

 

Tony hurried after Pepper as she strode away from him down the hall.

 

“Think of the profits!” Tony argued.

 

“You don’t care about the profit, Tony, I know why you want this.”

 

“But Pepper-“

 

“We are _not_ buying Frito-Lay _just_ so you can make Steve the Dorito symbol!”

 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Tony said.

 

Pepper paused, and turned to look at him in confusion. He never gave in that easily.

 

“We’d probably have to buy the whole of PepsiCo.”

 

Pepper sighed in exasperation. “For the last time, Tony, we are _not_ making Steve face of Doritos!”

 

Tony huffed and turning around. That was fine. He had a plan B.

 

***

 

“Oh my god, yes, yes, _yes!”_ Peter said, jumping from foot to foot. “I can make flyers, and get everyone at school to sign a petition, and then post it on Facebook, and then you could pass it along to someone else and-”

 

“Ok, kid. Go do that now,” Tony said. “And could you tell Clint as well?”

 

Peter voiced his agreement and took off down the hall.

 

Tony didn’t need Pepper. He has a Spider-kid.

 

 

***

 

Tony ran into the living room, sliding into the back of the couch because he had too much momentum.

 

“Steve! Steve! Steve!” he exclaimed. Steve stood from the couch, fear on hi face.

 

“What, Tony? Is something wrong?”

 

“TURN ON THE NEWS RIGHT NOW!” Tony shouted. “JARV, MAKE SURE EVERYONE IS IN HERE NOW!”

 

Steve scrambled for the TV remote, fumbling with it as he turned on the News.

 

Clint, Nat, Bucky, Bruce and Peter ran into the room, Peter taking initiative and sitting down on the couch, dragging the other Avengers with him.

 

And, apparently, ‘everyone’, according to Jarvis, included Deadpool. Who promptly smashed through the window and landed on the couch next to Peter, squashing Clint. Everyone turned to the Television like this was normal. Which it was.

 

“Where a petition has accumulated over 754,000 signatures in 2 days, with signatures from all around the world. Started anonymously, the petition is being considered, though we all think that it is going to go through. People, it is more than likely that Captain America, aka Steve Roger’s torso will be the new face of Doritos. And are we happy about that.”

 

Steve stared awestruck at the TV, and Bucky rubbed his back awkwardly.

 

Tony and Peter high-fived.

 

 

 

 


	16. The vines.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuri and Peter like vines. T'Challa and Tony do. not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm a teenager. The vines were always going to appear at some point.

 “So the king of Wakanda will be arriving in-“

 

“ShUrI’s CoMiNg?” Peter cried, tripping over the stool bench as he stood up.

 

Tony glared at Peter. “Yes, and I swear, if you start quoting vines again I swear I will-”

 

“Bye, Dad!” Peter said, running off.

 

Tony slammed his forehead onto the bench. Repeatedly.

 

Steve rubbed his back soothingly.

 

“At least you and T’Challa will both be suffering,” Steve said, as if that was supposed to offer some comfort.

 

***

 

Shuri and T’Challa entered the compound, Peter immediately dragging Shuri away to show her what he was working on in the lab, T’Challa heading for Tony’s stock of wine.

 

Tony raised an eyebrow. “It’s 9 am. That early for alcohol, even by _my_ standards.”

 

T’Challa levelled his gaze at Tony. “You didn’t see Shuri on the way here. We’re in for some real trouble.”

 

 

But, any plans Peter and Shuri might have had were off-put by an attack of robots in Times Square.

 

Tony, as much as he hated to say it, was grateful. That meant that Shuri and Peter wouldn’t be able to annoy him with their vines and shit.

 

 

Oh, was he wrong.

 

***

 

T’Challa eyed the destruction occurring in the Square in amusement. Doombots, Tony had said they were. The king of Wakanda smirked. What a strange name.

 

As the battle wore on, however, T’Challa’s smirk dimmed. Not because of the Bots, no, they were only a small hindrance. But because of his sister and Peter. 

 

The first reference came at the beginning, as the Avengers were surveying the Doombots.

 

It was Shuri’s fault.

 

“What’s better than this?” she said. “Guys being dudes.”

 

Peter snorted, nodding. “Look at all those chickens,” he said, spreading his arms to encompass the battle below.

 

And so it started.

 

***

 

Tony was whacked out of the air by a Bot, and the billionaire was launched into the ground, landing right before Peter.

 

The boy jumped. “Stahp, I could have dropped my croissant!”

 

“I hate you,” Tony said.

 

“Love you too, Dad.”

 

***

 

A robot punched Peter in the stomach, and the boy bent over, holding up a finger as if that would stop the robot from attacking further.

 

Shuri paused her fighting to call out over the battle, “Oh, he need some milk!”

 ***

 

Peter was thrown a good few feet, smashing into a billboard. “Ah, fuck,” The boy said in a monotonous manner. “I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

 

***

 

Thor sent a lightning bolt into a group of Doombots, and Shuri, near him, shrieked.

 

“YoU bEtTeR sTaP!” She cried as part of the road caught on fire.

 

Thor cocked his head at her. “What was that strange accent?”

 

“I’m Liberian.”

 

“What is this ‘librarian?’ you say that you are?” Thor asked quizzically.

 

Peter snorted off to the side.

 

T’Challa shook his head. How was _that_ his sister?

 

***

 

Shuri and Peter were fighting back to back, and the princess was thrown to the ground by a Bot. As she was falling however, Peter took a step back and sang “MMMM WHATCHA SAY.”

 

Shuri tugged at Peter’s ankle, causing him to fall over as well. This prompted her to sing, “MMMM WATCHA SAY,” in response.

 

Tony and T’Challa had to save them after the Doombots proceeded to attack them while they were on the floor.

 

***

 

T’Challa was brawling with a Doombot, and he slammed the head of the Bot into a lamp-post repeatedly.

 

“Can I get a waffle?” Peter asked.

 

“Can I _please_ get a waffle?” Shuri said.

 

Tony sent them a look. “We’re in the middle of- Oh, that was another vine.”

 

“The fact that you didn’t realise straight away that it was a vine reference just means that you actually want waffles,” Shuri said.

 

Tony huffed, and waved his hand dismissively.

 

He did actually feel like waffles.

 

***

 

Loki entered the fight at some point, surprising a Doombot as he suddenly appeared, causing it to fire at a random billboard. The electronic display fizzled and went blank.

 

Loki looked between the Bot and the billboard. “Way to go, Paul,” he said.

 

T’Challa froze, “Oh, no,” he said, wacking Tony’s shoulder blindly to get his attention.

 

Peter and Shuri froze. Then proceeded to run up to Loki, screaming their heads off.

 

 

***

 

So, they survived the battle, physically, but Tony and T’CHalla were pretty sure their souls were broken.

 

The Avengers sat in the living room after a debriefing, and Thor stood up to go and see Loki off.

 

“Hey, Peter,” the Asgardian said. “Could you please pass me my hammer?”

 

Peter picked up the hammer, looked at it, and threw it, screaming “YEEEEEEET.”

 

“Oh, he yote,” Shuri said.

 

The hammer went through the wall.

 

***

 

Shuri and Peter were in the lab, Bruce and Tony next to them, Clint and Natasha leaning against the wall, Bucky and T’CHalla talking about how they could improve his arm, and Steve sketching.

 

Shuri didn’t look up from what she was working on when she said to Peter, “Hey, Pete, how much money do you have?”

 

“69 cents,” he said, also not looking up.

 

“Ah, you know what that means.”

 

Peter’s head popped up, and he looked like he was about to cry. “I don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets.”

 

Tony looked strangely at the two. “You know I’m a billionaire, right, if you want money you could just-”

 

Tony cut himself off as T’Challa proceeded to bang his head repeatedly on the wall.

 

***

 

T’Challa braced himself outside the lab that Peter and Shuri were in. He paced outside it for a few seconds, seriously debating whether it was worth entering the room with the two demons in. He sighed.

 

“Hey, Peter, Shuri. Tony wanted to know what you wanted for dinner.”

 

Shuri looked up. “Oh, hi, thanks for checking in. I’m still a piece of garbage,” she sang.

 

T’Challa sighed, “Peter, what would you like for dinner?”

 

The kid held up his arms and sang, “Guacamole, Guac- Guacamole.”

 

T’Challa sighed, and began to walk out.

 

“No, wait!” Shuri said. T’Challa paused by the doorway. “Can we have chicken strips?” she said.

 

“FUCK YOUR CHICKEN STRIPS!” Peter screamed.

 

“Nope,” T’Challa said, exiting the room. “Nope, nope, nope, nope, _nope.”_

 

***

 

“Hey, Pete,” Tony said, pointing at the Stark-pad. He turned back to stirring the chicken. “Can you read the next instruction?”

 

“No I cannot,” Peter said.

 

Tony turned to him with an arched eyebrow. “What-”

 

Shuri ran into the room, and Peter and Shuri both screamed. “WHADDUP, I’M JARRED I’M 19, AND I NEVER FUCKING LEARNED HOW TO READ!”

 

Tony burnt his hand on the pan in surprise.

 

He made Peter and Shuri finish making dinner.

 

***

 

Steve entered the living room, where Peter and Shuri were watching a video about a guy not being able to pronounce milk correctly? Something about melk?

 

Tony was searching for alcohol in the cupboard, despite it being 10 am.

 

Shuri eyed Steve as he entered in uniform, shield strapped to his back.

 

“Hey, Peter,” Shuri said, finally looking away from Steve to turn to Peter.

 

Peter hummed in acknowledgment.

 

“How did you defeat Captain America?”

 

Peter smirked, then continued in a terrible German accent. “Ve shot him in zee legs because his shield is zee size of a dinner plate and he iz an idiot.”

 

Steve choked.

 

Tony, despite having no idea what the hell was going on, wheezed, nodding his head and pointing at Steve like he could shoot lasers out of them at Steve.

 

Jarvis was called to get Bruce because Steve was pretty sure that Tony hadn’t breathed in the last minute and he was turning an alarming shade of blue.

***

 

The next morning T’Challa entered the kitchen to get some skim milk (he wasn’t a cat, ok? He just liked milk…). When he entered the kitchen, however, he found he couldn’t get to the fridge, due to the fact that the entire pantry was on the floor. Considering that it was the pantry for 2 super-soldiers, an enhanced teenager, a god, an assassin and an archer who ate too much, a billionaire who had 5 coffees a day and a Wade Wilson, it was _lot_ of food.

 

Shuri was in the pantry, throwing things out.

 

“What are you looking for?” T’Challa said, folding his arms behind his sister.

 

She threw a box of cereal out, and it bounced off T’Challa’s chest.

 

“My happiness,” she said.

 

“…”

 

“No, but seriously where are the muffins we got yesterday?”

 

***

 

Tony and T’Challa stood in one of his labs, a bottle of whisky shared between them.

 

“Why is this still happening?” Tony said after half the bottle had gone down in silence.

 

“I know,” T’Challa moaned. “It’s been 3 years since they met.”

 

“They should have grown out of this by now.”

 

“This has to stop,” Tony said.

 

T’Challa agreed. “We need to somehow split them up. Can we distract them somehow?”

 

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Enough that they’d stop quoting stuff? Not likely?”

 

“Doesn’t Peter have a boyfriend?”

 

Tony groaned. “You haven’t met him yet, have you?”

 

T’Challa shook his head.

 

Tony considered. “As much as I hate to admit it, that _might_ work.”

 

Tony called Wade.

 

 

***

 

 

Tony and T’Challa were in the living room, looking over statistics of countries in need, to figure out where T’Challa should spread his resources to next.

 

Wade walked into the room, gun pointed to the ceiling.

 

Tony whipped his head up. “What do you think you’re-”

 

Wade fired.

 

“THIS IS WHY MOM DOESN’T FUCKING LOVE YOU!” Peter and Shuri said in unison.

 

“Language!” Steve said from the other room.

 

T’Challa sighed.

 

Tony rubbed his hand over his face.

 

T’Challa turned to Tony. “So, you asked Wade for help and he comes and spawns another vine reference.”

 

Tony nodded.

 

“Who _does_ that?”

 

Wade laughed awkwardly. “Ahaha _I_ do that.”

 

“Goddammit, was that another-“

 

Shuri turned to Peter. “Peter. I love your boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, that was very long. I got a bit carried away.
> 
> Also, now that Peter knows he can pick up Mjolnir, he abuses it. Of course.
> 
> Anyway, I hope that didn't get too dreary toward the end with all of the many vines.
> 
> But I'm Generation Z. Vines are our life-blood.
> 
> THANKS FOR READING!


	17. The spidery-ness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is a Spider. People seem to keep forgetting that.

Peter sniffed the air. Tony and Peter were working in the labs, a new iron suit prototype on the table.

 

“What’s that smell?” Peter asked, lifting his nose up to the air like he was a dog.

 

Tony snorted at that.

 

“What, you think there’s a gas leak or something?”

 

Peter shook his head. “No, it not that kind of smell. It’s like, the burning your nostrils kind of smell, you know?”

 

Tony shrugged. “Or you could have a cold, kid.”

 

“Colds usually stop people from smelling, Tones,” Cap said as he entered the lab. “Bucky told me to tell you that lunch’s ready.”

 

“Bucky made lunch?” Tony said.

 

Steve nodded.

 

“I’m going to prepare myself and cover all that yuck with mint.”

 

He took out a pack of gum.

 

“You want one, kid?”

 

Peter nodded and took one. Steve took one also, albeit guiltily.

 

Peter put it in his mouth. And spat it out as soon as it made contact.

 

“What _is that devil food,”_ Peter hissed, running to the closest tap to rinse his mouth out.

 

“Gum?” Tony said slowly.

 

“It is horrible.”

 

Peter stood, looking to Steve. “You like it?”

 

Steve nodded. “It’s not strange or anything, it’s just gum.”

 

“Well, I am never having it again. It was like it was burning my mouth.”

 

“Spiders don’t like peppermint,” Bruce said, entering the lab, Starkpad in his hand. “Also, Bucky said that if you don’t get your asses up to lunch he will break the lock to the pantry so no-one can hack into it. That seemed to be directed at someone particular.”

 

“NOOOOOO!” A warbled cry came from the ceiling, and Wade came crashing down. He landed on his butt, and immediately stood up and ran to the door, shoving past Bruce to get to lunch.

 

Tony rolled his eyes.

 

Peter glared at Tony.

 

***

 

Peter groaned. “There are so many _mosquitos,”_ he complained, entering the tower. Clint had left the windows of the Penthouse open while he, Wade, Peter, Tony were out, allowing all sorts of bugs to be attracted by the bright lights of the inside rooms.

 

In his defence, Jarvis should have shut them when they left.

 

Tony left to figure out a solution. The short sleeves and shorts were doing little to protect Peter, and the rest of the Avengers for that matter, from the blood-sucking demons from hell, but it was way too hot to put anything else on.

  
Wade started slicing the mosquitos with his katanas, actually managing to kill a few, but accidentally shaving some of the hair off Clint’s arm. Peter doubted it was actually by accident.

 

Tony came back into the room, carrying a bottle of bug spray with him. Tony started manically spraying everywhere.

 

Peter, being closest to Tony was the first to be met with the spray, and was already doused with the spray before he had time to move away. He immediately started choking, his skin starting to burn, and eyes tearing. Large, angry red patches appeared on his arms and legs, and his stomach started cramping. Peter bent over, wrapping his arms around his middle.

 

Wade started flapping and squawking, pointing rushedly at Peter.

 

Peter glared at Tony. “Get. Bruce. Now.”

 

“Oh, shit.” Tony ran off to fetch him.

 

***

 

Peter was sitting on the couch, Bruce next to him, surveying his arms, and Tony and Wade lying on the couch (Tony horizontally and Wade upside down) when Bucky, Steve and Natasha ran in.

 

“What happened?” Steve asked.

 

Natasha folded her arms.

 

“Tony tried to kill me!” Peter said.

 

“What the fuck, Tony?” Bucky said.

 

“He was complaining about the bugs!” Tony defended. “I was trying to help!”

 

“By using spray that can kill spiders?” Natasha asked.

 

“In my defence,” Tony said, “The bottle has a fly on the front, and Peter’s the one always going on about how spiders aren’t insects! How should I know it would affect him, too?”

 

Bucky facepalmed. Wade sprayed Tony in the face with the bug spray, a safe distance away from Peter.

 

“What the hell?” Tony said, rubbing his eyes.

 

“You deserved that,” Natasha said.

 

“Plus, it was fun,” Wade added.

 

“Can I have a go?” Clint said entering the room.

 

Tony glared at Clint, eyes red from where the spray had gotten into them.

 

***

 

 

“Baby-boy,” Wade said, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring sceptically at his boyfriend.

 

This was the fourth jumper Peter was putting on.

 

“It’s cold,” Peter defended, attempting to look serious, though that failed due to his resemblance of a marshmallow.

 

Peter paused. “D’you think this is too much?”

 

Wade nodded.

 

Peter huffed.

 

***

 

“Hey, Jarvis?” Peter said in the living room after breakfast. “Can you turn the heating up?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

Bucky glared at Peter over the top of his book. “Pete. This is the third time you asked in the last 5 minutes. Plus, you have accumulated all of the blankets in the tower. _And_ you have a Wade. That’s practically a furnace.”

 

Peter craned his neck up at Wade. Then looked back at Bucky. He glared at Bucky.

 

“Hey, Jarvis,” Peter said, still looking at Bucky to gauge his reaction. “Can you put the heating up again?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

Bucky put his book down again and slid down the armchair like a ragdoll so he as sitting on the floor, legs spread and pouting. He looked like a child.

 

Wade snickered.

 

There was a crackle from above, and the sprinklers went off.

 

Wade's snickering turned to screams as he was soaked through.

 

Bucky snorted, grimaced at his now soaked book, and stood up. “Well done, you just exploded the air conditioning. I’m going to bed,” he said, locking the door behind him as he exited the room.

 

“Jarv,” Peter said, “Can you unlock the door?” He stood up, and walked toward the door.

 

“Mr Barnes has ordered me not to listen to you, sir. Unfortunately, I cannot fulfil your request.”

 

The AI didn’t seem very sorry.

 

Peter looked to Wade, locks of hair sticking to his forehead. “Well, shit.”

 

Wade pulled off his mask and wrung it out. The sprinklers were still going off so it didn’t really do anything. “Don’t worry, Baby Boy,” he said. “I know how to fix this.”

He stood up. “ANTHONY EDWARD STARK IF YOU DON’T OPEN THE DOOR YOUR SON WILL DIE OF HYPOTHERMIA BECAUSE HIS SPIDERY-ASS CAN’T THERMOREGULATE!” He paused. "BUT IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN WE'LL JUST HAVE REALLY LOUD SEX."

 

The door opened in a matter of seconds.


	18. The new kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a new kid on the block.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm BAAAAACCCCKKKKK. Here's a chapter uwu.

 Peter stepped out of Steve’s BMW, waved him goodbye, and head into school, only to immediately pause at the mass of people who were huddled in small groups, whispering to each other. For once, the whispers weren’t accompanied by stares at Peter.

 

That was odd…

 

Peter shoved his way over to Ned, who was by Peter’s locker.

 

He opened the locker and raised an eyebrow at his friend.

 

“You know what everyone’s whispering about?”

 

“Apparently there’s this new kid who’s coming, and rumours are firing like crazy, Dude.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Ned was practically vibrating. “People are saying he’s really rich, but that’s all I can gather that’s definitely true.”

 

“What else are people saying?”

 

“Just the usual stuff people say when a new kid comes, you know, whether or not they’re hot, who their parents are, whether they know the Avengers.”

 

Peter snorted. “It’s not normal to spread rumours about whether a random kid knows the Avengers.”

 

Ned shrugged. “You are a literal contradiction. Also, I heard that they might be an alien. That seems to be pretty big.”

 

“What?”

 

“I know, Dude, but that’s what people are saying, cause he’s starting today.”

 

“Halfway through the year?”

 

Ned nodded

 

“Why else do they think he’s an alien?”

 

“Oh, that’s it.”

 

Peter snorted, raising an eyebrow.

 

Just as Peter started to head off to class, a black limousine pulled up to the school, and someone got out of the car. Peter didn’t get to see them, however, because of the crowd of people that had suddenly appeared around the car.”

 

“Guess he is rich,” Peter said to Ned.

 

Ned was looking in awe at the car. “Shiinnnyyy.”

 

Peter rolled his eyes.

 

Ned and Peter split ways as the bell rang, Peter heading to Chem and Ned to computer science.

 

He sat down at a desk and had begun to take his books out of his bag when he felt someone approach him.

 

“Well slap me with bread and call me a sandwich. Is that Peter Parker?”

 

Peter turned, confusion plastered on his face.

 

“What the hell are you- HARRY?”

 

Peter jumped up and jumped at his friend, enveloping him in a hug.

 

“Haz, what the hell, I haven’t seen you in, like, a year!”

 

Harry Osborn stuck his hands into the pocket of his jeans as Peter released the boy. “Yeah, Dad’s decided to move the main Oscorp operation building back to New York, and I heard that you went here, so I thought, why the hell not?”

 

“Awww!” Peter said. “You came to this school just for me?”

 

Harry snorted. “As if. It’s also, like, the best school in the area.”

 

Peter was practically vibrating. “You, Ned and MJ need to come to the tower this afternoon. My Dads are going to freak.”

 

“Who’s Ned and MJ?”

 

“My friends. They’ll love you, dude.”

***

 

Lunch arrived, and Peter, Harry at his side, sat down at the usual table, Ned and MJ already seated.

 

Peter and Harry sat down, and Peter folded his head into his elbow to muffle his scream.

 

“You got another assignment?” MJ said, putting her book down.

 

Peter didn’t bother replying. “This is Harry by the way,” he said, waving his hand at Harry, head still in his elbow.

 

MJ surveyed him, then shrugged. “Sup, Loser.”

 

Ned smiled at Harry. “You’re the new kid?”

 

Harry nodded. “Yup. My Dad moved decided London was too cold for his business, so we’re back here.”

 

Peter slid from the bench, to under the table, moaning ‘I have seven assignments due next weeeeeeeek.”

 

Harry and MJ snorted, Ned just looking through the table at Peter sympathetically. Not that he could see.

 

“So,” MJ said. “How do you know that train wreck there,” she said, pointing at Peter.

 

“We were childhood friends,” Harry said. “Then Peter moved schools and I went to England for my Dad.”

Peter popped his head up from underneath the table. “But before that, he met my Dads and he had a Ned-Fanboy-Moment™.”

 

MJ opened her mouth again, presumably to ask another question like she was some fricking journalist when a familiar shaped shadow fell over the table.

 

Peter groaned and slid back under the table. “What do you want, Flash.”

 

The bully ignored Peter and addressed Harry. “If you want, you could sit with us. I know some people who are dying to meet you.”

 

Harry plastered on his fake paparazzi smile. “No thanks, I’m good.”

 

Flash raised an eyebrow. “You sure? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure a guy like you doesn’t want to be associated with these faggots.”

 

“I smell underlying sexual tension,” MJ said, clapping Flash on the shoulder. The guy jumped, spluttering.

 

MJ raised her eyebrow. “You wanna deny it?”

 

“Get off me,” he said, jerking his shoulder away and stalking off to his own table.

 

Peter drew himself from underneath the table and grabbed Osborn’s arm. “C’mon, Haz, class is starting soon and I need to text Dad and tell him to lock Clint out of the living room.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Cause last time I said I was bringing friends over, Clint painted everything in the living room pink. It didn’t dry for 3 days.”

 

“Your family is so fucking weird.”

***

 

It was Happy’s turn to pick Peter up from school that day, and, though he would never admit it, it was one of the only days of the month he looked forward to/mildly enjoyed. What Happy wasn’t expecting, however, was the additional three teenagers in the backseats.

 

The friend Happy recognised as Harry Osborn was seated in the middle, next to Moody Girl and the other friend, Ted or something, who was mildly creepily just stroking the door handle of the car (shhiiiiinnnnyyyy).

 

Peter was rattling off words at a mile a minute, probably because he was spending too much time with his boyfriend, and Happy was just content to half listen and smile.

 

Until what sounded like an elephant hit the roof of the Porsche, and Happy swerved in surprise, hitting the front of the car into a fire hydrant.

 

Ted let out a high-pitched squeal, Moody Girl opened her eyes in surprise, and Osborn squawked. The car’s engine started spewing steam out of the crushed bonnet.

 

Peter, however, the little shit, only widened his eyes in excitement and crouched on the front seat as a boot came through the roof of the car.

 

“Wade!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, basically, Harry's here! Yay! This is kind of a jumble of all of his characters into this thing I have created. A true bro. He's in for some shit now though. Hope you enjoyed!


	19. The idiocy of one Wade Wilson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I know it's been a really long time. I'm so sorry. I've been reading too much. Here's another chapter, though (finally). Enjoy!

“Wade Wilson, I swear to fucking god, you owe me a new Porsche,” Happy said as the 6 walked toward the tower, after the car had been towed away.

“You know that’s never going to happen,” Wade said.

Happy just nodded in acknowledgment, and brought his phone out to scroll through his emails.

“So, Ozzy Osbourne,” Wade said, addressing Harry. “You seen the updated security since Jolly over here became head of Security?”

“Can’t say I have.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Nothing’s really changed. Only difference is there are now lasers and 3 guns poised over the elevator.”

Harry, Ned and MJ stopped in their tracks.

“When did that happen?” Ned asked, going a step further and actually walking backwards a few paces.

Peter waved his friend off. “Relax, Tony only has them installed to detect Wade. It only shoots him, you’ll be fine.”

Harry looked sceptically between Peter and Wade. “So, how does Wade get into the tower if he’ll be shot at if he tries to enter the elevator?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Wade said. “So, I’ve only ever tried going through the elevator twice- the other times I just got Petey to give me a piggy-back up the windows. So, the first time I just walked into it and got shot and laser-beamed my head off. Not fun. The second time I wore Pete’s suit. That worked until Jarvis registered my height. Then I also got tasered by Tony because Petey’s suit was destroyed.”

Harry’s mouth opened as if to say something, then shut it as he changed his mind.

“Today,” Wade said dramatically as the 6 stood outside the entrance to the Avengers Tower, Happy still looking bored and on his phone, “Today, I am planning on hijacking a plant.”

“What?” Ned said in confusion. 

“You heard me, Jacob-Batalon-looking punk. I’m gonna hijack a plant to get through Jarvis’ security.”

Wade proceeded to run at full speed through the entrance hall, up to one of the 4 giant plants that grew in the pots on wheels near the receptionist desk, and tipped all of the dirt onto the floor, holding the plant in. He then stood in the plant pot, arranging the leaves so that you couldn’t see most of his body. You could still clearly see him, because of the whole red-suit thing, but there were no distinguishable features that would cause Jarv to shoot at him.

Happy gave an exasperated sigh. “I’m going to have to update the security again.”

“HEY, PSSSSTTTT,” Wade hissed loudly from his plant disguise. “PUSH ME TOWARD THE ELEVATOR.”

Thank god for wheels, Peter thought as he and his friends pushed the plant into the elevator. Happy disappeared at the first chance he got.

“Holy shit,” Ned squawked. “This is actually working.”

The elevator began to rise as Peter pressed the penthouse button on the elevator’s side.

“HAHA, I AM A GENIUS. TAKE THAT, STARK.”

“I shall tell Mister Stark you said so, Mr Wilson,” Jarvis said from the elevator.

“WAIT SHIT NO-”

“Mister Stark has ordered me to take the elevator back down to the lobby where you will be escorted out of the building, Mr Wilson.”

Peter face-palmed. Of course.

MJ took out her phone as the elevator began to descend, Ned looked he had been caught with his hand in Tony’s dorito packet, and Harry simply looked at Peter with a brow raised. 

Wade on the other hand… raised his gun and shot the roof of the elevator in quick succession.

“What the hell are you doing?” Peter shouted at his boyfriend.

“I have a plan!”

The elevator jolted as the mechanisms in the elevator broke, and suddenly the elevator fell into a free-fall.

Everyone apart from MJ screamed- Wade included, despite his so-called ‘plan’.

After a fraction of a second, however, the elevator came to a sudden stop, and the inhabitants of the elevator fell to the floor from the whiplash. Ned was still screaming, though.

“What the hell Wade?”

“Emergency-stop mechanism,” Wade replied, pointing to the gaping hole in the ceiling, where it could clearly be seen that the elevator was clamped to the cables. The pulley mechanism, however, was riddled with bullet holes.

“Stark can’t catch us if the elevator won’t move!”

“You, Wade. Won’t catch you.”

***

“Mister Stark.”

“Yeah, Jarv?”

“It appears that the elevator on the left wing has stopped working.”

“Whadda ya mean?”

“The mechanism has broken.”

“How?”

“Wade Wilson shot it, sir.”

“That fucking- who else’s in the elevator?”

“I count five heat signatures- Peter included among these.”

“Oh, they’ll be fine, then. Now, where did I put-”

“Your Taser’s in the second drawer, sir.”

“Thanks, Jarv.”

 

***  
If Harry hadn’t already known that Peter was Spider-man, getting out of the elevator and onto the second floor away from Deadpool-targeted lasers would have been significantly harder. 

As it were, however, matters were simplified as all Peter had to do to get everyone out of the elevator was give them a piggyback and wall-climb 20 or so metres up the side of the elevator shaft- Tony’s ceilings were really high, goddammit- and yank open the elevator doors.

In hindsight, it would have probably been better to climb the extra 50 metres or so to the third floor.

Because waiting for the five kids outside the elevator entrance on the second floor was Tony Stark, his Wade-Wilson-Taser in hand. The dreaded Wade-ser. 

Living up to all expectations, Ned began fan-boying at the sight of his hero, and although Harry wasn’t outwardly displaying any signs of strange behaviour, Peter could tell he too was freaking out. 

“Shit,” Wade said, grabbing onto MJ and putting the girl in front of him. “Take her! This was her idea!”

Tony looked at Wade from under a stern brow, face obviously seeing past Wade’s shitty lie. 

Wade then pointed at Ned, who was too caught in his freaking out to notice the attention on him. The seconds stretched, and Wade, arm still outstretched, said nothing. He kept re-pointing his finger, however, as if the movement itself would bring an idea into his head. 

An idea never came. 

Wade simply made a run for it. 

Peter dragged a hand down his face, and webbed Tony’s taser out of the man’s hand. Throwing it down the empty elevator shaft, Peter grabbed his three friends and his boyfriend, and made his way toward the stairs. 

“C’mon, we’re baking cookies with Bucky. He’s the most normal guy here.”

Harry blinked. “He has a metal arm.”

“Your point?”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! There is more to come! Feel free to leave comments!


End file.
